The Rehearsal Stage - Speaks To U

A missing skill

2011-07-08T01:03:00.001+08:00

Last night, I cried for a very uncommon reason. I realised I have a serious missing skill in managing my emotions when I feel uncertain and thereby, insecure.

Emman is back home in Jakarta. Yes, 'home' being an ambiguous concept here. He said I always 'act up' and gets moody when he's back in Jakarta. Yes, 'always' being only 2 times, but which makes up about 67% (becos in '09, I think I did not act up.. But dun trust my memory). In effect, I always end up making his home vacation less enjoyable and more stressful.

I wonder why. I continue to wonder. No, it is certainly not that I want to sabotage his vacation. It is also not that I don't understand that he needs to go back to his parents. Of course, I understand that. I fully grasp how much it means to him and his parents, even though he seems to think I don't. I chose not to go along. Work is a reason, but much more cos I don't want to invade on the precious week that his parents have exclusively with him. So, of course I do understand the intentions behind his going back.

Then, why the unhappiness?

Is it because, though through no fault of his, it was so difficult to get connected with him? Or, that he couldn't really talk at free will to me, like he would when in Sg? Or, did I miss his presense so much that I got overwhelmed with my own expectations, which could not be met?

He's been on work trips without me too. Why, I wonder, have I not experienced the same unsettledness during those trips? Why do I only get moody and touchy when he goes back home?

Was it true that I do not know how to express missing him and hence, end up badly communicating and arguing with him? Was it really true that I felt he's different when he's home and that unsettles me?

Could the answer to all these lie in a deeper lack of confidence in myself? Or insecurity? Or, just a dislike for uncertainties?

Maybe, deep within, I am always insecure with the fact that he may decide to leave, for good.. To uphold his duties and fulfill his obligations as a son of his parents.

That is a silly notion. Even I think so now. But a silly fear is still a fear.

A mistrust. That could be something to work on. A distance. That ought to be something to be managed. A feeling of 'not good enough' for his parents. That might just put everything into perspective.

I cried because I was upset and disappointed with myself and my feeling of inferiority. Not because of him. It's always oneself who can hurt one the most.

At such times, I really think my boyfriend would do well to take a break from me. At such times, I don't like myself much too.

posted from Bloggeroid

slipping into the next

2011-05-20T11:58:00.002+08:00

Emman and I clean forgot about yesterday, which was the 3rd anniversary of that fateful 'bus-stop' incident.

I actually remembered that weeks ahead, and even last week. I was still casually thinking of writing a love note to my boyfriend to mark yesterday. (I guess, he'll just have to read it from here. heh) Ironically, this week, it totally slipped my mind and I only got to surprise at forgetting it moments ago. Then, surprised Em with him forgetting it too. heh...

It's not easy, keeping track of so many dates. What's more, with our 'official' and 'unofficial' anniversary dates, that means more dates to remember.

Then again, perhaps not actually remembering it signifies a new passing. A passing into a phase of the relationship where well, milestones don't matter anymore cos moments matter more? I like it this way, and to think it this way.

This shouldn't come as a surprise in fact, when it's coming from a person who doesn't regard her own birthday very highly, and who really doesn't like to make a big deal out of special dates. After all, every day comes once in a lifetime, isn't it?

Nevertheless, I would agree that anniversary dates serve as a 'gathering point' to make that special effort to recall and recollect the other days that have gone before it. Perhaps, to see how far we've come. It may not necessarily call for a celebration, but it calls for a recount. A recount of one's blessings, maybe trials and tribulations (this term coming across so frequently in RCIA), and the reasons to be thankful for.

Last night, Emman said he's gotten used to my being different and unpredictable (viz.a.viz mainstream and predictable). He claimed that he knows better now, how to manage me, though he does not know me very well yet (I think it's something along the line of ignoring my moodiness, but not ignoring me. =P).

That's a good way of putting the past 3 years.

As for me, I still do not see eye to eye with him on plenty of things, which makes him 'weird' to me. But, I too, know better now how to manage his antics. Fundamentally, in order to preserve the lightness of my boyfriend's mood, the weather has to be good - preferably no more than 20 deg cel. He's a bit like wine, Emman.

The next phase will most likely come with a 30 year loan from HDB. Not a very rosy phase, financially. But I'm sure we'll make it up in the other departments.

Happy 3rd May 19th, Dardee!

chained musing

2010-11-19T23:55:00.003+08:00

I walked past the seats... I guess it's better called the benches. The benches outside The Cathay. Ya, where they have those coloured, round lamps that are not so tall. Was it not there that we sat and you charmed me (ya, those days, you charmed me so easily... hehe) with your knowledge of the political history of Pakistan or was it Saudi Arabia or was it Egypt (see, I still can't get the geography right), after we watched "Ayat-Ayat Cinta"? After I unapologetically 'jilted' Weitong and used you as a scapegoat/excuse to not have him send me home?

Was it not that night that the bus-stop incident occured, and sort of changed our lives forever (tis is beginning to sound so cliche)?

Perhaps I had planned, in a way, for the incident (that's why we can't call it an 'accident'), by having you send me home. Then, suggesting quite innocently (was it not?) that we walked a bit more, instead of taking the bus.

haha... it's funny how it all happened, on retrospect. Funny how a guy starts popping Panadols and godknowswhat pills you had in your bag those days, when he's been told by the girl that he likes that she'd like him to be her part-time boyfriend. I mean, shouldn't the correct response be jumping for joy or a reverberating 'Yes, I do!'? Maybe you already knew it might be the start of more headaches and complications to come into your life.. that would explain the Panadols.

Hmm, 30 months later, that same girl continues to add the punch, headaches, excitement, confusion (just about once a month), complications, and most of all, love+care+laughter+amazement+charm+etc,etc in your life. That leaves no more space for your weird pills in your life.

Aren't you quite, so-very lucky?

(This post, just because I walked past those benches. Inspiration comes when loneliness steps in.)

New memories for the memory lane

2010-10-26T16:41:00.003+08:00

Like I said, I was very close to tearing on a few occasions, and teared once, on the first 2 days of our eventful holiday in Shanghai (sans Beijing).

Perhaps it was the low energy level due to a sleepless flight. Or just a series of unfortunate events, missed plans and disappointments. It could also be the horrible prospect of having to live among an influx of mainland Chinese for one week. It could be anything.

But, I think mostly, it could be that I felt so relieved. In the midst of the above setbacks, I was so relieved I was not alone. I was so glad I had you with me. It's not life and death, but I felt that we were going through an obstacle course together. A mind and body challenge. A challenge on how much we can trust each other, support each other and simply, be there for each other.

In the end, and most importantly, I believe we, together, have rose above the obstacles and challenges and created so many new experiences, new moments and new understanding about each other in that one week.

I was honestly not surprised that you didn't show me the HFF this time. Not because I was unappreciative, but because right from the time you told me you wouldn't, I believed you. I had to trust that you wouldn't. And you didn't. You have no idea how proud I am of you, in spite of all the hiccups during our holiday. Because of that, I told myself that we have to enjoy ourselves that one week, no matter what else comes our way.

I'm so happy we did.

It's my 3-tens!

2010-09-11T12:29:00.003+08:00

Last year, around this time, on this very blog, the only post for the month, I wrote that I was close to tears.

We have had a progress this year. I teared. 'Cos I was so touchy... I mean, touched.

I really, really do appreciate the thought, the effort and the resourcefulness that went into the b'day prezzie you prepared for me to mark my 3-tens. It's more meaningful than expensive holidays, boring-branded items or luxurious treats. It's something noone else in this whole crazy world can ever buy.

You made me feel so special and loved. I love the writing too, though it certainly sounded drafted and random. hehe I love that I am a present to you everyday. I love that you tried, just cos your girlfriend is a wordaholic (words stay in my mind longer than money spent on me), to write more than your name and date.

Last but not least, I loved the cosy, fart-as-you-wish, burp-as-you-like, electro-candle-light dinner on the floor, cross-legged. So much more unique!

Thank you, dardee... for loving me so. Nowadays, I can really remember easier that I'm being so loved, even when you are being a real mood-spoiler. I will remember it yet easier as soon as I see the suppl credit card.

Love,
your cutest sweetsweet...

epilogue

2010-08-13T23:20:00.003+08:00

Oh, and treating me like a baby. Like, saying, 'At least, I wanted what's good for you.' I think I would know better what's good for myself.

More importantly, I thought the thing about having a relationship is not about what's good for you or what's good for me, but what's GOOD for the relationship? At least, I always stand on that bottomline. Sometimes, I sacrifice what's good for me for what's good for you, vice versa. And that's OK, because so long as we are appreciated, it adds something nice to the concept of 'us'. But, that's just my opinion, again.

We may have to argue for a whole lifetime on this.

OK!

2010-08-13T12:47:00.002+08:00

Looks like it will come to 2 years. Or two-and-half, to be unofficial.

The recent spate of events at home just over one long weekend gave me a renewed but jaded, fresh but familiar and clear eye look at this love relationship thing. The boy-girl relationship. But, I suppose it also applies to girl-girl relationship, for that matter. Oh, and boy-boy.

True enough, the 'good morning' smses still come in, only absent on days when work drives the morning away. On which, the afternoon smses will still come as a worthy compensation. Only, really absent on days of cold war.

Speaking of which, it's also exact enough to expect that some differences may take a lifetime to iron out.
Like, "When are you going to throw it (usually, some long-forgotten shirts or long-neglected pair of non-functioning glasses) out?"
Like, "Why do you have to go gym, again? You just went..."
And also,
like, "Are you OK?" when the intention is never to trust that I AM OK.
And of course, the monthly erratic mood swings when the personalities of Queen, Princess, Bitch, Emo get all stirred and confused by the coming of the evil sister.

Apart from the above and some others, it's all good. I think.

So, I guess... we are going to be OK!

Food Log

2010-06-21T23:38:00.006+08:00

Especially for Dardee... "A man is what his girlfriend eats." Bon Appetit!

21 Jun
9.30am - A glass of plain warm water
10.15am - A bowl of Froot Loops cereal + Meiji low fat fresh milk
12.30pm - A big rice dumpling with pork filling
5.30pm - 3 M&S raisin cookies + a cup of sweetened black tea
8.45pm - A bowl of brown rice porridge with stir-fried spinach and fried egg
11.45pm - Half cup of Meiji low fat fresh milk

"But I'm already bored with brown rice."
22 Jun
9.15am - A glass of plain water
9.20am - A bowl of Froot Loops + Meiji low fat fresh milk
12.30pm - Gatorade Isotonic Water
1pm - Laksa (yes, with clams too! but I barely drank the gravy)
5.30pm - A pack of Twisties (BBQ Curry flavour!) + half cup Passionfruit tea
8.30pm - Popeye's FC (with dardee!!! yay!!!)

"I bought a waffle from the HDB Hub foodcourt, too..."
23 Jun
9.15am - A chicken sausage bun
12.45pm - Rice with stir-fried kailan and ginger chicken and winter melon soup
7.30pm - A Belgian waffle with icing sugar and half Subway Meatball Marinara sandwich (yummy yummy! The other half of the s/wich went to dardee's tumtum)

"You are just stubborn."
24 Jun
9.15am - A bowl of winter melon soup (same as yesterday's lunch)
1pm - Nasi lemak with curry veg, Otah and fried ikan bilis and 100Plus (this was soooo good!)
7.30pm - BBQ usual culprits - King prawns, sausages, Otah and Satay (this was not too bad.)

"I wanna eat sushi but I want to eat something soupy too, udon maybe."
25 Jun
9.45am - Pork pau
2pm - Half Udon, Avocado salmon sushi and 'The Peak' from Ichiban Boshi
4pm - Macadamia nut milk tea (this was better than expected and cheaper than most)
8.30pm - Carrot cake and iced lemon tea
10pm - 100Plus (Dardee finished half too... hee)

I know Dardee is not following my diet style and he probably never will. But, still, I finished my 5-days food log, just so I can see for myself how possibly unhealthy but definitely enjoyable my meals have been.

I am of the belief that a significant part of a healthy diet comes from truly enjoying what you put into your mouth. Mind is, definitely, over body.

Remember this this way.

2010-05-05T00:06:00.002+08:00

"When will you stop thinking and start doing?"

I am sorry, if only sorry is not a mere thought.

Sometimes, I feel all alone. So alone that the idea of doing scares me.

"When will you stop thinking and start doing?"

I will.

"When will you stop thinking and start doing?"

Glorious win

2010-04-18T00:50:00.003+08:00

I don't think anyone is a loser for doing something that's instinctive. But, I may consider someone a loser if he does something instinctively, dislikes what he did and yet, remain untouched about it and not for a moment, consider himself a loser about it.

You are certainly not a loser.

You won my world, my heart, my care, concern, respect and love. You may not have won the whole world, everybody. But, you won me.

There's no chance, at all, that you are a loser.

Reduced

2010-03-13T23:27:00.002+08:00

Perhaps I just dislike being stereo-typed, the all-girls-are-like-that type.

Perhaps in my first relationship, I was like that. Maybe even in my second shot at a relationship. Maybe then, I haven't learnt. But, in my past relationship and the current one, I really, really believe and trust that I'm not.

I don't make a fuss out of things not being done when I don't voice out my expectation that they be done. I don't blame my partner for not being able to read my mind. I am fully aware that if I want something bad enough, I have to say it, make it known. I don't believe in people reading my mind, anymore. I don't say that it's OK not to do something and then, change my mind and blame my partner for not knowing that I changed my mind. I try very hard to be consistent and reasonable.

It's actually quite hurtful when, on one hand I'm trying not to fall into the 'girls-are-all-like-this' category, I don't get the feeling that Emman actually believes and trusts me on the other hand. Sometimes, I think my boyfriend is perpetually scared of me turning into a crazy, unreasonable, childish, spoilt girlfriend-bitch. Everytime it happens, my mind auto-switches to dig into the past to find if evidence of me turning into that monster-girlfriend even exists. Alas! My memory is not fantastic. The result? I end up feeling perturbed, unjustified, belittled and sad all-in-one.

Actually, our quarrels and conflict mostly come from we wanting each other to be happy, and that's cos we do love and care for each other a lot. Somehow, the resulting responses or reactions always come out wrong.

I hate feeling like a lousy girlfriend. The only reason anyone seems to need to break off a relationship. And I've had less reasons given to me before. People don't actually need a reason to leave the person who loves them, I've learnt. Sometimes, that reason is love itself. That scares the hell out of me.

metaphors

2010-03-05T12:38:00.004+08:00

She referred to her boyfriend as 'her dictionary of great things'.

I started to think. Not too long, just a moment. I thought, "That's sweet." Then, I thought that I should have something like that for my boyfriend too.

Great things ought to be counter-paired with small things. The smallest detail can bring about the greatest success; the smallest error can cause a great misfortune. Small things, simply, matter.

Especially so if my small things are laughter, amusement, amazement, certainty and dependability (which some would consider to be a huge thing)... also annoyance, irritation, puzzlement, sarcasm.

A long time ago, which is long only because of the accumulation of experience, and not the passing of time, I imagined my boyfriend to be someone who always has something for me to learn from or learn about, someone who makes me feel secure and safe, who can laugh easily with me. I guess I forgot to imagine he's also someone who could be talented in irritating the hell out of me, (almost always) during the times that I feel irritable, someone who often does/says things that fazes me, who is so different from me in ways that sometimes daunt me.

Now that I need not imagine any longer, and have some in my wish-list coming true (Be careful what you wish for), I know that size doesn't matter. (hmm...)

See how I run off tangent.

My Emman, the sillyyou... a constant annoyance and happiness in my life - My Encyclopedia of Small and Silly Things.

falling slowly

2009-09-13T23:39:00.002+08:00

Two times. I was close to tears.

1. When I thanked you for the holiday. I was really, really touched by what, by all that you've done to make the day special for me. It was a complete surprise. I didn't see it coming and I don't expect it to be the case too. I don't expect. I like simple birthdays, very ordinary ones. But this year, you made it exceptional for me. Thank you. I really, really appreciate it.

2. When I told you, 'It's my birthday' at Marrybrown. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do what you wanted me to. I bitch, and sometimes, I just talk without really meaning what I'm talking about. I hope I'd never hurt you with that.

The time I cried was when it sounded like my fault that you were inspected by the customs officer. I knew you were pissed that he picked on you to inspect. But I didn't know I was to wait for you before clearing my own baggage. I don't see the connection. But it's ok. 'Cos I told myself, of the above point 1. I was upset. I didn't show you the HFF on purpose. I just did. But it's ok.

We will keep walking, and take so many more holidays, so many more trips together. Because you love me, so much. I love you too.

Delusions bazaar

2009-08-24T12:50:00.002+08:00

Everyone's in Hong Kong!

Emman and I were there, travelling with a bunch of family folks, including many kids and a couple of babies. I have no idea whose relatives they were. They were with us, nevertheless. Such that, wherever we planned to go, we had to mind the baby and when's a good time to let it sleep and feed. Mind the kids too. And a few adult relatives who seemed totally dependent on us. Suffice to say, as far as we were concerned, that must be a nightmarish kind of holiday.

Then, I found out that Wenn, Apple and Shaun were in HK too. And obviously, Kyn too, as she goes to HK every weekend. It was a weekend then. What's more, Wenn and Apple were staying near to the hotel I was staying in. Wenn's was a rather posh looking hotel, on company expenses of course. Apple and Shaun were staying in a reasonably up-class hotel too. I was in a decent hotel, suite-room, cos of the kidssss and relativessss (whom I'm sure I didn't invite).

Everybody's in Hong Kong!

I wanted to arrange for Apple, Wenn, Kyn and myself to meet up. But everyone's busy. Wenn was only there for a weekend. Apple was returning to Sg soon. Kyn tried her best to squeeze in time between her errands and other appointments to meet us.

Before I woke up, I didn't manage to meet my dear friends in Hong Kong. I was giving instructions of the itinerary to the accompanying kids and relatives and asking Emman if he wanted to have the best scrambled egg on earth again.

Sounds like a terrible holiday.

Underneath it all

2009-08-23T22:26:00.002+08:00

What I want is to be with you. But I have no stories to tell. Not now anyway. I have nothing that I want us to do. I have no opinions to speak of, no comments, no nothing. Not now.

It would have been so nice if when, like now, I've no stories to tell, you could start telling me a bit of all those stuff you know and I don't. History, economics, office politics, your friends, your family, your colleagues, your childhood, your plans, your achievements... I don't really care what. I would love to just listen to you talk. Listen while I rest my head on your lap.

Even if we couldn't - perhaps it will never be in you to initiate a conversation talking about you, the things you like, the things that interested you - it would be nice to just have you hold me, and us listening to music together.

I wanted us to spend time together, without an agenda, without anything more than a light peck on the cheeks or my hair. You know, that simple kind of affection that I so love.

I didn't ask you to stay. I don't know why. Maybe I was so lonely that I couldn't bear to spoil your evening with it. The Magic would be better. Besides, I didn't want to thwart your plan of jogging home. Better earlier than late.

I wanted, but I didn't say. It's too late, anyway. Not your fault. Just I didn't say. I'm documenting this but don't bring this up. It's ok. Being in love, sometimes, means you will end up feeling more lonely than if you were alone.

I'm going to sleep. Don't bring this up. It's ok...

Delusions bazaar

2009-08-20T11:22:00.002+08:00

I was in a pensive mood, not so much of talking (very much like reality recently, in fact). I was at home. There was some kind of celebration at home. Not celebration, more like some kind of religious feast. Maybe the start of the Hungry Ghosts' Festival, which must have seeped into my dream after Emman reminded me about it last night. Anyway, I remember a feast of pretty good food.

Then, I found two letters waiting for me. One in the living room and one stuck on my bedroom door. They were both love letters from Emman. I was puzzled cos it's very unusual for Emman to write me anything, much less TWO love letters.

I took the letters into my room and read. I can't remember the contents but it must have been about how much he missed and loved me. Then, someone came in with a parcel meant for me. From Emman too.

Apparently, my sillyyou thought that my pensive and quiet mood was a result of something wrong that he might have said or done. I guess he couldn't stand my mood anymore and decided to throw in the white flag. (haha) So, came those love letters and a surrender parcel of tributes, aimed to placate me.

What was inside the parcel, then? Two huge ring files, many sets of cute stickers (including one of Strawberry Shortcake), a set of antique stamps, and some other little stationery that I can't recall now. I was poring over the contents and as I did so, I couldn't help but chuckle. The thought was, "Who in the world would send such 'practical' stuff to cheer his girlfriend up?" People usually give flowers or sweets, candies, chocolates, useless accessories, etc. My boyfriend is The Strange (and cute).

I remember smiling, nevertheless. How silly is this sillyyou! And I wanted to message him "I love you" before I woke up. And I almost messaged him, even so. But I blogged instead.

You are so Qute. I love you. ^_^

the priceless upwards curve

2009-06-11T01:07:00.005+08:00

Even if I feel drenched from head to toe, and you were the one who poured that bucket of cold water on me, all I can do is to look glum. But, all you need to do is to play that goddamn guitar, play a melody, sing a song. And then, I can't stay glum anymore.

You may not know this. It's important to me that you smile even if you are the one who made me lose mine temporarily. Because when you do, when you let loose a little, smile a little more, I find the reasons why I fell in love with you, again.

Sometimes, I am cynical. Sometimes, I am tired. Sometimes, I question myself a lot. Sometimes, I feel all sorts of insecurity.

I need to keep believing this is right. I need to keep believing you are not going to go away. When you look at me and smile, look into my eyes and smile into them, I can believe easier. And the guitar too... charms all the faith into me.

Delusions bazaar

2009-05-21T17:25:00.002+08:00

Emman came to me and said he wanted breakfast. But he couldn't decide what he wanted to have for breakfast. So, I suggested instant noodles. I could cook him some instant noodles. He thought that's a good idea. So, I went to cook instant noodles for him. For his breakfast. He went out while I was cooking. I had no idea where he went but I figured he'd be back. He just needed to get something somewhere nearby.

When the noodles was ready, I looked around for him. I couldn't find him. I remembered the steam from the bowl of fresh, hot instant noodles. It was hot, but I couldn't find Emman to eat it. I figured he'd be back soon enough.

Then, I got a call from him. He said he was outside, said he was lost. He was at this Margoliouth Road. I said I know of this road name and I could give him instruction to come back. But he declined. He said he would get help from his colleagues in office. They would find the directions and tell him.

In the background, I felt there was someone else. I asked who he was with. He said it was a friend but later on, he mentioned a 'she'. So, I knew he was outside, lost with a girl. It didn't seem like he minded that he was lost. This is definitely not the Emmanuel I know. He seemed happy to be lost, together with that girl friend, not in a hurry to come home. The noodles was getting cold.

I think he knew I was upset. I must have sounded upset. But that didn't seem to bother him. He told me, unconvincingly, that he would be back soon. We hung up.

Suddenly, I saw him. But he was not Emmanuel. He turned into Desmond. I was like, "Who the hell...?"

xxx

I think dreams are sooooo farking damn good at displacing our fears and presenting them in an almost poetic way, in the way that we face it without trying to allay it, simply cos we have no means of controlling it.

1505

2009-05-15T11:47:00.002+08:00

Day 5 of Six, which means I'm gonna have you back soon enough.

Today's your sister's birthday. A quarter of a century. I remember your quart-C birthday last year, I gave you the Salinger book and mis-wrote it as 'quarter of a decade'. I'm sorry that by that logic, you are only 3.5 years old now. haha

By now, it feels like you are only too busy to meet me up on weekdays nights. But we still talk every night, albeit via Hi-Card. And we still share our day, a thing that we do which means a lot to me.

By now, I believe the only difference is that we don't sms each other so much during the daytime. We keep everything to the one hour conversation at night. We don't meet for dinners. Yet, we still keep each other informed of what we had for dinner. Food is always an integral part of our conversations, aside from your lameness.

Hmm, so want to hug you. That's one of my favourite things to do with you, I'm sure you know.

Today will pass soon enough as we both attend our dinner appointments. Tomorrow, we will have dinner together. Already! And somehow, I already know what we will be eating. You can't miss your pilgrimage again.

1205

2009-05-13T13:41:00.003+08:00

Day three of six.

I realised the most immediate thing that I have to get used to is that everytime I take out my handphone, thinking to sms you, I would end up putting my mobile gadget back in my bag and try to hold out till I call you at the end of the day. It's a simple gesture but one that always serves to remind me that you are away.

There would be the uncertainty in not knowing where you would be, what you would be doing at a point in time. The consideration of the cost of your sending a sms reply. Hence, if it's not something urgent (and it's rarely anything urgent), I would hold till I call you at the end of the day.

The last 2 days, when I called you, it was more difficult to hang up. Yesterday was better. Possibly because I could hear you yawning, more than a few times in 15 mins. Your bioclock is working to Singapore time.

And somehow, knowing today is already mid-week, it makes it better. But I don't know it's better because I'm gonna have you back soon, or it's better because I realise my 'one week singlehood' is gonna end soon. haha

One of the best things in having you... one of the things I like to do most with you around... must be looking up at you and smiling into your eyes.

1005

2009-05-10T23:09:00.002+08:00

Why does it have to be so expensive to send sms or receive calls from Sgp when you are in Indon?

Throughout the day, things happen, moments happen... time passed. And during which, some thoughts I told myself I would tell you when I call you tonight. I was collecting things and thoughts to tell you. I wanted to have so much to tell you. But, you know how my memory works. It fails me, beyond my control, sometimes.

Maybe just hearing your voice made me forget all the trivialities. Maybe I was so much more eager to know how you spent your day, made me forget all my trivialities. Even maybe cos of the wasted bottle of bird's nest. I would really have just opened it and finished it there and then. With all due respect, there's still no way I would let some silly customs take away a bottle of bird's nest. It's not terribly expensive. But I took a long time to decide on which to buy, 'cos there were so many different kinds. Luckily the salesman was patient and kind enough to share with me his knowledge and offer some helpful opinions. I must have spent about half an hour in that shop.

But it's ok. It's not the bird's nest I miss. I can buy you that again, when you are back. Then, we will share it. Just you and me. Too bad about your folks.

It's not the bird's nest I miss; it's you.

Would have so much preferred to talk just awhile more. But, my memory lapse meant I didn't know what to say. It would have been just too senselessly expensive to hold on to the phone and keep quiet. Unlike if we were both in Singapore.

The irony? When we are both in Singapore, I always prefer to go to sleep than to linger on the phone.

It's just Day One of Six. I have a busy, packed tomorrow. Day Two will pass quickly enough.

Good night, silly...

Delusions bazaar

2009-02-20T12:25:00.002+08:00

I was in Germany! Christian was in the dream, as my tour guide. He took me to this museum. It was breathtaking! There was a manmade waterfall outside the museum and it's huge and there's a very modern and unique architectural landscaping by the side of the waterfall, that was also the entrance to the museum. I stood there, awed. Then, I remembered I had forgotten to bring my camera. However, that didn't bother me much. Because I was just so glad to be there. It's so beautiful!

Then, Chris arranged for lunch. We walked along the pavement. It was a nice, cooling day. The weather was fine. On the way, I saw children playing at playgrounds with colourful slides and swings.

Suddenly, as I stopped to look at the beauty and peaceful scene around me, I began missing Emman. I was on the trip alone and I started thinking why I was alone. I should have Emman by my side. I missed him bad then.

xxx

In my dream, I woke up to find myself preparing to bring Hugo to his daycare. I was running a bit later than intended. I was hoping the AVA wouldn't come and check meantime. Suddenly, from the window of my room, I saw a lady wearing the AVA t-shirt. Then, the doorbell rang. Damn.

She said she had no choice but to follow me to the daycare. Just to make sure that we are making efforts to evict one of the dogs, and not pulling a veil over her. So, we got onto her AVA van, terribly crammed with some other AVA people. Then, we were on the road to Hugo's daycare.

xxx

I found myself in JRC office, only the office layout has changed a lot. The seating was all different from what I know in reality. I was there to have lunch with Trudy.

I saw Gerlin and we joked about how she will be the last person to leave JRC. She laughed and called herself the wandering spirit of JRC.

Then, I saw Thomas in his office, back facing me. Hilariously, his hair was in dreadlocks! But in the dream, somehow, that was not so shocking for me. I just casually asked Trudy how he was. Then, he turned and showed me his dreadlocks hair. I asked if it was difficult to wash. He answered that it wasn't.

Meanwhile, in the background, Trudy was complaining about an interviewer who went 'missing in action'.

Delusions bazaar

2009-01-23T12:21:00.002+08:00

It was a huge school campus. I think it was Pei Chun. I was there for a visit. I know because I saw Mdm Ngoo, who was my mentor when I was doing contract teaching in PCPS. But, CJ was there too. So were Zie and Kay. Apparently, they were all working there. As teachers. Me, I was only there for a visit.

I went to the canteen to eat something with Mdm Ngoo. Then, I went to the staff room to look for CJ, who was with Zie and Kay. I was happy to see CJ and Zie, just like I am in real life. When Kay saw me, she smiled. She said, "Hello". It was a cordial greeting. I smiled and returned the greeting. I saw that she's well and she looked more mature, more grounded, not hopping around and skipping around her colleagues like she used to be. It struck me then that so much time has passed since I knew her to do that. How much we've both changed! At the same time, at the back of my mind, I was fully aware of Emman's existence as my boyfriend in my life.

I think I didn't stay for long in this dreamscape. I don't remember what else. There were some other littler dreams, but I cannot remember them now.

Notice

2008-12-31T22:47:00.002+08:00

Dearest Emmanuel,

Happy New Year... and I love you ok?!

Love,
Jancy Chua

Linger

2008-10-25T00:14:00.003+08:00

Could it be that I'm falling into you? Could it be that I'm getting lost into the way you look at me? Could it be that we have learnt to understand more of each other's gaze? Could it be that we see support, care and a sense of security in that moment of time?

Or is it because the departure is drawing nearer?

Perhaps it's all, or none. But, the inevitable has to happen, doesn't it? In a matter of good time. I have encountered the debut of that kind of problem. I would not have decided to make a move upwards, which then became your decision to make.

Because only you would make that decision. Which makes me know, yet again, that you are dependable. I can trust you, if I ever could decide to trust anyone. It could be you.

Of course I know I'm damn lucky. Damn, damn lucky, bitch.

A collection of regrets

2008-10-15T01:17:00.004+08:00

As for you, for you...

There is, in fact, greater pain, greater hurt in life than losing you.

Than remembering you, than having you forget me. Than us forgetting how it felt like to hold hands together.

We always know that.

If I can begin to live with this regret, too, will that make it easier for me, for us? I will always, always wish you are not my regret. But, I too wished very hard once that you would stay.

Wishes do never come true. Is this even worth contending with?

I feel. I think. I blog.

2008-10-15T01:00:00.003+08:00

If I know, understand and accept the fact that nobody knows what is in hold in the future, what will change and what will not... perhaps the real only essential question to ask is, "Do I want to risk believing?"

The shipment of faith is taking so long because I have not decided if I want to take the risk, the risk of being let down again by the cruel jokes life seems to always have in store.

If a decision can be made, I could put all my chips in. If only I knew how to decide this time round. I tried drawing on past experiences. After all, experience seems to be the best teacher. Unfortunately, in this case, experience is also a skeptical teacher. For I can't recall how. Did I really just make a decision, put all my chips in and fight to win?

Where did I misplace that jar of guts? For there have been many times, I was so close to making a decision. Yet, all those many times, I relented, declined, shy away, got distracted, procrastinated, held back, did not.

Your love makes me feel protected, safe and wanted. You can only guess how much feeling that way means to me. Your patience, your romantic ideals, your assurance, I see them all in your eyes and I feel them all in your touch. Why, then, don't I let you love me? Why, then, can't I let me love you?

You said I will know when I know. What if you underestimate how much a procrastinator I can be, how much a coward I can be, how skeptical I can be? Would I still know when I know?

I'm not in denial. We never fool the one in the mirror.

Delusions bazaar

2008-09-14T16:46:00.004+08:00

Wenn and I were at a school canteen. It was raining terribly heavily. The weather was stormy and that kept us from going anywhere else. We decided to just have soup noodles at the canteen. There was a long queue. Wenn and I queued for our noodles. However, we realised that we were not being served.

Apparently, we were supposed to queue for the bowls and then, bring the bowls over to the stall-holder for our noodles. Self-serve. We got quite pissed about this because we waited a long time and there was no clear instructions telling us what were the procedures to get our tummy filled.

Then, I started bitching. We had, then, got into a lecture hall. There was some minister in the lecture hall. Apparently, he was there to gather feedback about the school and the standard. So, since I was already bitching, I bitched even louder. Loud enough for the minister to hear our displeasure at not being served and not being told how to get to our noodles.

When the minister left, Wenn and I walked to the back of the lecture hall to find seats behind. As I went behind, I saw Kay. She was seated in one of the aisles on the right. She was alone but there was a seat that she seemed to be reserving for someone. I just smiled at her and she smiled, weakly, too.

Then, Wenn called out to me. She has found two seats on the left side. She called me to go over to join her. I went over. On the seat that she found for me, there was a soft toy. A small white soft toy that looked rather like a unicorn. I picked it up and asked across the hall whose soft toy it was.

Kay put up her hand and said it's hers. Actually, it belonged to the person she was waiting for. The person she has reserved a seat for. Somehow, I felt it was Shreen. But it was not my business to care. So, I didn't think too much about it. She wanted me to throw the soft toy over, across the aisle. I did as I was told. I threw over. Unfortunately, I tossed it a little too high up and it landed on the floor behind her bench.

Immediately, I shouted, "sorry!" I didn't mean it.

However, Kay mumbled something as she threw me an accusingly look. I didn't hear her but Wenn did. Wenn shot her a dirty look and told me to just get back in my seat and sit down and ignore Kay. But I was too curious why she cast me an accusing look. So, I asked her.

She said, "It was not an accident. You did it on purpose." The look she gave me was probably the most hurtful look I ever saw in her eyes.

That's when I started crying. I was incredibly upset having been misjudged by her. It was terribly hurtful that she thought I was so vindictive and vengeful and would be childish enough to go to the extent of purposely throwing (what I believed to be) her current gf's soft toy onto the floor.

Wenn knew the reason why I was so upset. She comforted me and told me it was all right and that I didn't have to give a shit about what Kay said. On the other hand, Kay totally ignored me and I could sense that she really thought I was so petty.

So, I got really upset and I kept crying.

To the point I knew it was a dream. But perhaps, it's just my mind's way of getting rid of some unwanted and unconstructive emotions. So, since I was already crying in my dreams, I wanted to really cry and spend all those awful emotions so that they don't linger on.

So, I cried, for real. And woke up feeling tired. Damn.

This is obviously not a good dream. Birthday wishes never come true. What the hell.

never fool the one in front of the mirror

2008-08-13T12:42:00.003+08:00

To come to this stage where I stare at your status and not know what to say, not thinking that I have anything to say to you, not even the most mundane and useless 'How are you?'... is honestly, not my choice.

Because you know well that I tried. Yet, I know too that you prefer we don't. That's probably one of the most painful ironies. To think that we were once so close, so supportive of each other that we could have become 'sisters', instead of 'ex-es'. We could have preserved that bit of honesty which could have been the thread to hold our friendship together even when the other ship sank in time.

But lies, guilt, fear, distrust knawed at the seams to form what is now known to me as regret.

Isn't it a shame? Isn't it? They have all never been my choice. But I hope you are happy with yours.

Over here, I'm still holding the fort. But I think you never wanted the key to this fort anymore. Once again, it's all my stupidity and naivety. Only this time, I'm not going to become even stronger from it, internalise the illusion of strength from it. There is no strength in being stupid.

Love me? Love the stupid me. Yet still always, always let me have the upper hand. And please, be patient with me.

Delusions bazaar

2008-08-13T00:21:00.002+08:00

The thing is, I don't remember the dream, not the details. But I remember my response to the dream, when I was dreaming it.

I dreamt that he was ignoring me. He was beginning to ignore me. Apparently, for no reason. I also remember it was in a situation where there were many other people in the same room as we were. I was trying to tell him something. But he just ignored me. Like he couldn't be bothered, doesn't have the patience with me anymore. He just turned away. I don't remember why and I don't think there was a reason in the dream too.

I remember my response better. When I was dreaming that little dream, I made a mental note to sms him when I wake up. I even knew what I would write in that sms. "I dreamt that you started to ignore me and lose patience with me. I hate you."

But of course I didn't. Because it's a stupid thing to do. I meant, to sms him that.

So, Emman doesn't know, yet, that for a brief moment this morning, I had wanted to tell him I hate him because of a very short dream I had.

An antibiotics named disappointment

2008-07-23T00:05:00.002+08:00

Honestly?

I feel frightened. I feel like crying. I feel afraid.

Even if you have been disappointed all your life, I don't want to be one of those to disappoint you. Yet I can't promise not to because I am, too, trying not to be disappointed again. I don't have the faith to fight this fear. This fear of being disappointed again. So, I may very well end up adding to your disappointment.

To him, you've changed. In a bad way too. And yes, to change for love is always, always cliche. And almost always a pithole designed for disappointment.

I don't want to be the one to disappoint you. This is one of the things I cannot afford too. To be the reason for someone else's disappointment.

Can you not wait for me? Yet, I have a feeling if we let it go, we may lose not just the battle, but the whole damn war. But I'm really scared, of hurting you and you hurting me.

Is this some kind of a sickness? Or just some stupid test that some people believe God puts us through?

I don't know if it's more apt to say 'sorry' or 'thank you'. I say nothing. Perhaps that's what you want from me too. To say nothing.

Delusions bazaar

2008-06-25T13:21:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of Emman. Chatting. We were just chatting. Spending time together. Can't remember what exactly.

Then, I dreamt of Shaohao. He gave me a book that he made. A scrapbook of all the nuggets of wisdom that I've shared with him over the years. He gave me a lot of things that he made himself. Apparently, I was very surprised, one after another.

Then, it was Kay. Kay, whom I used to know. She was in my house. She was saying a lot of things and they were all funny and I smiled alot. The only thought being, how could she return to be who she was again? But because in the dream, she was, I was smitten with her. I would give anything for her to talk to me, keep talking to me in the way she did.

Only in the dream. I know in reality, I would and could not. People change and when they lost the awareness of who they once were, most of the time, it's lost forever.

Three different persons. Three different dreams connected into one continuous moving image. It's just so amazing that even dreams can come in a trilogy.

And 'tis is my best

2008-05-20T00:47:00.002+08:00

Let's keep it simple. Cos it really is.

Because we are broken, broken in our own ways.

Because we either don't believe in a future or not deserve one.

I did think about it. I did wonder where I can draw the line. And this is my best. For now, this is my best. Don't make it complicated for me. Don't complicate it for me.

Let's keep it simple. Cos it really should be.

Delusions bazaar

2008-05-13T17:07:00.002+08:00

It was my wedding day, all right. My jiemeis were there, dolling me up, making sure I looked my best. But I think I looked horrible. I had long curly hair tied in a braid to the left with a pale champagne colour ribbon.

It was a church wedding. I put my arm around the arm of my groom, my husband-to-be. And he carried me up to this wedding altar where we were supposed to say some kind of prayer in order to be solemnized.

After the ceremony, which was unceremoniously short, we walked out of the church, newly-wed. I remember Anna and Wenn walking in front of us. They were smiling from ear to ear and I could tell they were really happy for me.

But I didn't know who my groom was. I looked up at him and he was nobody I knew in real life. However, I could feel he loved me. I could feel that that was the person who would commit to taking care of me and loving me for the rest of my life. It's a strange feeling.

Then, I realised I'm the only one who seemed unaware of what and why this is happening. I turned to my groom and asked him, 'What year is it?' Afraid that he didn't understand my question, I added, 'This is year two-zero-zero...?' He answered, '2009'.

I nodded my head, trying to take it in - I'm getting married in 2009. I decided I might as well find out the date too. So, I asked him, 'What's today's date?'

He replied, with no hint of surprise that his bride was not even aware of the date of their marriage, 'October 2nd.'

I nodded again. I was getting married. The date was 2009, October 2nd.

Then, I woke up.

I looked an ugly bride in the dream. The hair was totally obsolete and I don't even remember being wow-ed by my gown. Seriously, I ought to look better!

Delusions bazaar

2008-05-09T00:46:00.002+08:00

I dreamt that I was so tired, so very very tired that I couldn't even pick myself up from the floor. I tried to stand up using my elbows and palms as support. But it was so difficult. I was so, so tired.

And everybody was doing what they were doing, what they should be doing and nobody thought to give me a hand. And I didn't blame them. Becos I really just wanted to give up and sleep, not try to stand up and do what I should be doing. I really just wanted to sleep.

I don't know why even in dreams, I had to dream that I was so effing tired.

Delusions bazaar

2008-05-06T00:58:00.002+08:00

All 6 of us - Viv, Ade, Wenn, Anna, Juan and I - were at a yoga class. The class was only open for us. There was a female instructor.

We all got ready and seated ourselves on our yoga mats. I was sitting the nearest to the instructor. That's probably why I got picked to be the leader to demonstrate the poses.

As I was trying my best to demo and perform bodily distortions, and the instructor was trying her best to correct my poses, the five of them kept giggling. I didn't know what was the joke. Apparently, there was no joke. They just felt gigglish and instead of following my cue and do the exercises, they were all huddled together, whispering and giggling.

The instructor got really angry and pissed at the lack of attention and respect. She scolded them. I just stared on. Then, she said that given our attitude and poor foundation, she would have to give us extra lessons. She looked to me for some response when the five of my good friends couldn't respond suitably to that by refraining from whispering and giggling.

I looked at Wenn, thinking that she would be the most reliable for some kind of sensibility. However, she was just immersed in whatever the joke was.

The instructor left the room. I still didn't know why my friends were acting all strange, like ticklish silly schoolgirls.

Delusions bazaar

2008-04-09T12:39:00.002+08:00

I was helping out in PL. I don't know why but I was in HweePing's class. She was teaching and I was the shadow teacher. Then, I saw her. Kay. She has come back for a visit. She was all smiles, looking really happy. I looked at her walk past the corridor of the classroom and I couldn't do anything. I was speechless. It felt like a long time since I last saw her.

She came into the classroom and saw me. I managed a smile. Kay was thinner than she used to be. I told her that. In fact, I thought she was too thin. She didn't look right. But, she seemed happy, and pleased that I told her that she was thin. We decided to go out to have an early lunch.

I made sure I could be excused from my work and then, we took a cab out. She suggested going to this new place. I couldn't remember the name of the place. But it was a very posh mall. It's somewhere near to Paragon.

While in the cab, we made small talk. She asked what was new with my life. We tried to update each other. She was studying in US, she said. 2 years course. It was the summer break and she was back for a visit. I asked when she will go back to US, she answered May 7 or 8. I told her that I've not been doing anything really exciting except I go clubbing nowadays, I do tuition as a job and then, she asked if I have been buying any new things recently. I took out a coin pouch from my bag and showed her. I told her Wenn bought that for me from one of her overseas postings. I told her Wenn is based in Shanghai now. I happened to take out my wallet. It's the still the one that she gave me when we were together. For some unknown reason, she seemed pleased.

Then, silence.

Then, she leaned over and kissed me. We kissed. For awhile. We stopped when we reached our destination. The taxi uncle asked if we were lesbians, and told us that it's no big deal to be lesbians. There was no need to be shy.

It turned out that the very posh place was not a restuarant that we were going to have lunch at. It was her house. She moved to this serviced apartment. So, I found myself in her house. Her dad was at home, so was her brother. There was also a maid. I remember someone else in the this dream scene. A mutual friend from PL. But, I couldn't remember who exactly. Her dad was on the phone. He was ordering a birthday cake. But I knew it was not her birthday. It was not for her. In my dream, I remembered her birthday was 26 October. Then, her mum came home. Kay then told me that in the US, she's living with 3 other guys in the same hostel. Her room mates were all straight but knew she's gay.

While in her house, we took some photos. We tried to put up silly poses. The PL friend took for both of us together. She commented that we looked so compatible together. Kay said it was all right. Meaning, not too compatible but just quite compatible.

Then, we left her house. We went to the bus stop nearby to wait for a taxi. We met up with Zie and CJ at the bus stop. At the bus stop, I found out that she was studying Financial Consultant Accounting (wat the hell is that?) in US. I was shocked. I thought she was studying something related to OT or psychology. I asked her why and she couldn't answer. I told her it was ok and she didn't have to think about answering my question. Then, she did something strange. She whispered something in my ear and told me not to think about it when I didn't understand. Her point was, when something has been said and done, one can't just not think about it. She was trying to tell me that when you started someone thinking about something, it's not possible to then, tell him or her not to think about it. Because thought processes have a will of their own.

A cab came by. We hopped on. In the cab, CJ asked her if she ever loved me and if she still does. There was a lot of gesturing. It seemed like CJ didn't want me to know what she was asking. Howver, I knew. But I pretended I wasn't aware. Kay's answer was an analogy to good wines. She said sometimes, even if you know you have a good bottle of wine in hand, you still have to let it go and leave it. Because there is something else that is more important than holding on to that bottle of wine. However, even as you let it go, you hope that when you return, it will not be gone. You hope that it will still be there. However, that also doesn't mean that when you return you would be sure to want to have it back. Because in every new point in time, there is a need for new comparison. It's possible that when you return, there will be other bottles of wine for comparison with the previous bottle.

I listened to all these but I kept quiet.

We dropped Zie at Buangkok and I paid for the cab fare in the end. I said we should try to catch up again a few weeks later before she leaves.

At some point in this dream, she told me a lame joke. Like she used to. I laughed and told her that now the term of being lame is 'lamb chop', not 'lame'. And she laughed. I felt she's trying to tell me, or show me that she's still the same person as she has always been but yet, I knew that's not true. She was not exactly the same.

xxx

It was a very, very long dream. Felt like watching a movie, with a real storyline and so many details. When I woke up, immediately after the dream came to a complete end, I realised it was past 6am.

I miss her so much. I wished that kiss lasted longer. I wished I could hug her and not let her go again.

I switched on my hp, smsed Wenn, Apple, Kyn.

Hauntingly beautiful details of the dream... savour them and hold on to them for as long as possible especially when there's nothing as real in reality to hold onto.

Delusions bazaar

2008-03-24T00:12:00.002+08:00

My younger sister was dying. Strangely, she knew she was dying the next day. She was not exactly sick. I don't know what was it. But she was going to have to die the next day. She came to me, afraid. I could feel her fear.

My parents were sitting beside me. They seemed to cope well with this knowledge. Until my elder sister came into the living room and informed them of the coffin/grave number.

They started crying so hard. I've never seen my parents cry together so hard. I've never seen my younger sis so afraid.

She told me she was afraid. She didn't want to die. She was not ready to die. She didn't want to leave.

And I hugged her. I just kept hugging her. I told her that it was going to be all right, it would not be so scary as she thought. I told her when people die, they don't really leave. They just leave their body and no longer be a physical entity. But they don't really disappear. Because they live on in spirit and in thoughts of the people who love them. I assured her she won't feel pain, she won't just leave and we won't just forget her.

But still, she cried and I was totally helpless against this. When I imagined how hard it would be for me if I were her, I just failed to convince myself that it was not going to be scary. It was scary. It was scary to know that you are going to die, leave this place and end your existence in this crappy world. Even if you know you would be missed dearly.

I felt really heartbroken and extremely sad.

xxx

I think this dream is an accurate displacement. Dreaming of death is often a sign of a significant change in one's life course. In reality, Wenn is going away for awhile, leaving for work. I don't know if she's scared. But I am quite sure there is an extent of apprehensiveness. As for me, I'm fully aware that I am in no position to change this course of action. I could only hug and say, "It's ok, it's going to be all right." I wonder if I'm saying that for my own ears or whose.

Sojourned

2008-03-19T00:35:00.003+08:00

Because I know you don't want them to make a fuss over your leaving. After all, it's something that should have happened some one year ago. It's something that we should all be expecting, despite it being postponed time and again. So, you only told me. And so, all those that I have to say, have to share, can only be done here. The other space is so congested with attention.

In all our years of knowing each other, I think this is the first time you made me cry. Although I'm not so sure if it's really you. Or because I thought about the fact that as I grow older, I go through and will go through more departures.

Actually, come to think of it, I have been lucky enough that your posting has been procrastinated for so long by your management. You should have left at the time when I felt most vulnerable, most alone, most abandoned. The time when the person I thought love me gave me up. I should have passed the whole of last year in more solitude than I actually had. I should have been made to feel more lonely than I was last year. Not that your staying here kept loneliness outside the door for me. Surely, it was just more bearable.

I have been lucky enough, if you think about it. That you are only leaving now and it will only be for half a year. I mean, compared to the initial 2 years? I could deal with half a year so much better.

Still, there's this sense of loss. Just knowing that when I get really bored or when I'm not bored but just needed someone to whine to, you will be so far away. Even though we often procrastinate our weekend plans and end up doing nothing, just staying at our own home, it was still comfort to be able to just sms someone asking for something to do, if ever possible.

This sense of loss reminded me of how when a decision has been made by someone else, you are totally at the disposal of the effects of the decision. No matter how much you would rather not have the decision made in this way. You could only come to terms with it. No matter how long it would take. Maybe even forever.

You know what I'm talking about. And perhaps, that's the real reason why I cried.

So, you didn't actually make me cry. After all. But you made me have that sense of loss. That's still something!

I love you, darling. Please take care there. You make the effort to meet new people to hang out, to chill with. Find yourself someone special. I'll be holding fort here for awhile then.

I wait no more

2008-03-16T22:31:00.002+08:00

I thought about it just this morning again. And realised...

the last person who made me genuinely happy was the last person, beside myself, who could make me happy. Now that person is the constant reason for my periodic misery, and my perpetual avoidance of being made happy by anyone else.

That's enough of being strong.

Delusions Bazaar

2008-03-15T17:57:00.004+08:00

I was as shocked as I know I would be if it had not been a dream. She was in front of me and she was with her current girlfriend. Because they were walking affectionately close together. She didn't see me though.

I contemplated sneaking away, running away, whatever it took to let me go unnoticed, pretending that our paths had never crossed. But, I didn't. I stayed rooted to the ground, just looking at Kay and her new girlfriend.

She didn't look like Kay. I mean, she was Kay. But, she looked thinner and in a way, more jaded even though she was obviously enjoying the company of the girl whose hand she was holding. I looked on. And realised her girlfriend was one of our excolleagues too. But not Shreen. Someone else that we were not even close with in the past.

She walked towards my direction. I looked her straight in the eyes. Seconds passed before she returned my gaze.

But nothing happened. She did not acknowledge having known me at all. She did not even smile the kind of polite smile if you see someone gazing at you but you don't remember knowing that person. My presence was as quickly dismissed as it was never registered.

Even when she was asking me a question later, about someone who lived in some place, you couldn't at all tell she knew me so intimately once.

I stared as my mind went blank. She has changed so much that it seemed unlikely that I had recognized her.

I felt a sense of loss and relief altogether.

I made time stand still for us.

2008-03-01T03:02:00.003+08:00

Just sometime last week, or earlier this week, I admitted to someone I've never met that I am still in love with you. And after I said that, I realised it's true. But, the past of you, of who you were, who I was when you were with me.

This love trapped in time. Didn't manage to cross over in reality, over time. Just stuck.

If I see you today, I would be the almost stranger that we once were. You would be to me too. Just that I see you in my mind, at the most unexpected of time and places. And you are always smiling that cheeky, adorable smile of your trademark. That look of contentment, of amazement at the slightest and most natural of things, that look of puzzlement. What I often see in my mind. And I know you've never left. Cos I don't allow to. I don't allow you to just give up and walk out.

I'm still in love. A kind of transcendental love. You won't believe it. Someone like me love you so foreverly. Maybe you didn't believe you deserve it. But once you stopped believing you deserve it, you don't. You just didn't get it, did you?

Anyway, all's over. And I'm still here. You're still here too.

Delusions Bazaar

2008-02-22T00:56:00.002+08:00

We were at a concert. Not a real super star concert but a campus concert. Apparently, someone we knew was performing. GQ and I found our seat promptly. He told me he won't be able to stay for long. Irene was going to kick up a big fuss if she didn't see him around for too long. Basically, Irene was also attending the concert but she would want him all to herself.

I think I told GQ to just tell Irene how he felt. Suffocated and in serious need of a break from her. But it was not easy for him to do it. I shook my head helplessly at him. That's hardly the GQ I know.

Then, Kay walked in. She, too, was attending the concert. Then, I suddenly remembered she also had a friend who was one of the performers. However, I didn't go up and say 'hi'.

After awhile, GQ turned to me and told me that he spoke to Kay earlier and she told him that she just broke off with her boyfriend. I didn't know whether to believe him. Kay has a boyfriend? No kidding?

But I held my tongue because when I saw Kay, I saw that she has changed. Her hair was still short but longer. She looked less of a tomboy but more like a lady. It was totally convincing that she had a boyfriend.

Irene came to join us shortly. I sat myself between GQ and her. I wanted to be the in-between for both of them. I tried to hint to Irene that she needed to give space to my good friend. He was totally losing it cos of her scrutiny on his every action and her following him around too much. But apparently, Irene couldn't hear any of these. So, in the end, I kept quiet too.

The concert ended. As I was making my way out, I saw Kay again. This time, she saw me too. She, too, was leaving the auditorium. We exchanged greetings, I asked how she has been. She just smiled. I can't remember if she said anything. But, I remember I told myself this is not the person I knew from the past too. She's a changed person. I don't think I felt sad at that point in time, in my dream. But, now, thinking about it, I am overcome by a wave of sadness.

Irene left my dream. And I was left with GQ. We were still waiting for our turn to move out of the auditorium.

I can't remember the rest.

Everytime I dream of you, I can't let you go even more in my waking moments.

if only we moved anti-clockwise

2008-02-13T00:32:00.000+08:00

Just that night, I was lying on my bed, unwilling to do anything. Not even read. I was listening to the radio. The radio playing soft rock music. The soft rock weekend that we used to pass just lying in bed and reading, occasionally snacking.

I was lying on my bed, just listening to the music. And missing you. Missing you in the way that I know you are lost to me. Missing you in the way that I have to accept you are not going to return. Missing you in the way that we are both lost to ourselves too. Because we would never be who we once were. How I missed you, girl! How I missed you.

I was lying on my bed, missing you, until I got up to switch off the lights, and went back to lie on my bed. After more than an hour of this non-activity, I fell asleep.

Even now, I believe, if I had known this would be how we end up, I would never have crossed the line. I would rather die holding back my desire for you than to live with memories of how ideal we were together.

The crap about having loved is better than not. I absolutely regret having acknowledged that I love you. That's my regret. Not your breaking up with me, or vice versa. My regret is having believed in being understood and being loved for who I am.

Delusions Bazaar

2008-01-15T18:53:00.000+08:00

It was a very upsetting dream. I cried a lot and I cried hard.

I was supposed to collect something from Emman from somewhere that felt like a carpark. Instead, before Emman, I saw Kay walking towards me.

Apparently, she just got back from an overseas trip. She was noticeably thinner. We hugged, like old friends might. Except when I started hugging her, I didn't want to let go.

I asked how her trip was. She said she enjoyed it and had a big surprise during the trip. A bigger surprise than any I've ever planned for her. She was, obviously, still in a state of elation from that surprise. I wanted to ask who she went on holiday with. But decided better against it. After all, too much information concerning her would do me no good.

Later, I found us in a lecture hall. We were waiting for the lecture to begin. It was on some psychology thing. Seated beside her, we started talking.

her: Are you seeing anyone now? Or getting married?
me: No. And I've decided to date women.
her: Does your mum know about this?
me: Not really. She doesn't really have to know. Besides, I just want someone to take care of me. Maybe I don't really care if it's a guy or a girl.
her: Take care of you?
me: Ya. (shouted) Why can't I just have someone to take care of me? I had enough. Of taking care of other people.
her: But how can you find someone to take care of you when you always seem like you are already taking very good care of yourself? Isn't it?
me: You know that's not true.
her: You keep attracting people who needed taking care of. That's the problem.
me: (shouted) I didn't mean it, ok? How the hell could I have prevented it? Can I help it if there's just the way I seem to people? Like I needed no one to take care of me? Come on! Ask yourself, you were attracted to me because I was a good listener and I could take care of you! Is it fair to use that against me when you felt it was enough?
her: (speechless)
me: I thought in our relationship, we could level it out, taking care of each other. I could share my fears with you and you would be there for me. But you just gave up. I knew I was the dominating one. But I also thought we could work it out. 'Cos that's what a relationship is about. I had hoped.
her: But what I hoped was that you were more passionate, and not just taking care of me.

I was already crying uncontrollably by now.

My dad appeared in the dream, worried. He wanted to take me away from the lecture hall. But someone stopped him.

It was then that I had this sense and awareness that inside the lecture hall, were all my friends. I was aware that Emman was there. Meisen too. Wenn, Apple, Anna, CJ, Hadrian, Eugene... and many others. I didn't see their faces. But I knew they were all seated around me, inside this cold and harsh lecture hall whose silence was only broken by my crying and sobbing.

I was surrounded by my friends. And there was this sense of helplessness as they all looked on while I cried. They let me cry because they knew there was nothing else I could do anyway. It felt like everything was too late. This understanding of what Kay and I wanted from each other came too late.

It was heart-wrenching.

I haven't been dreaming like this for some time. So vivid that I could remember most of the details even after I woke up. Crying throughout a dream. So emotionally intense that it felt more real than reality. And though it was a very heartbreaking dream, I wished it didn't have to end. Because amidst the crying, I felt some sense of relief too.

Emotions being uninhibited in dreams can feel so much more intense and realistic than those in the conscious reality. Makes me wonder what is living, really.

What a pitstop!

2008-01-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

2 years. Is that all we were meant to be in each other's life? All the time we would be given to make a mark?

Sometimes, I still think of you and those 2 years. The images from those photos - those photos we took, those photos of how wide-eyed you were, how cheeky I could be and how loving we were - linger ever-lightly in the remembering of the mind. The images that only serve to bear testament to how distant those 2 years are.

There wasn't any beginning, just some time in the summer. But the ending was so painfully definite. In the autumn.

And one more autumn had passed.

Just that the 2 years are forever gone. Just like that autumn.

This baby step from undulation

2007-12-03T01:35:00.000+08:00

How about that for progress?

Perhaps it doesn't really matter if we get to be friends or not. It's just that, let's put it behind.

It's just that of course, I still miss you sometimes. Of course, I still think of you sometimes. Of course, I still wonder if I could ever get over it, over you. It's just that I wonder if I could see anyone again, if it's not you. Or who you used to be.

But, all those superficialities. Could end up to be a fresh new ground. Except was that a sincere attempt from you? Or did technology outwit you, outbeat you and sent that request on its own impulse?

This baby step, to them; but a tremendous one for me. Or is it the other way round?

I learnt of undulation. But still conclude that life's a bad joke. Thankfully, I have friends who laugh along with me. Almost all the time.

How about we laugh about it too and just go along with the flow of this unstoppable river? Wasn't that what we have been doing the past year? Or was that river chocked up by a tall and difficult dam?

How about we not think too much about it, and just indulge in the superficialities of it? After all, maybe life is just one big facebook and we are all just profiles. So said, me, the pot.

Grace

2007-10-22T00:33:00.000+08:00

Dear Grace,

You look so much like Kay. She was a Cedarian too. How could you both look so similar?

I couldn't stop looking at you, opposite me. Your face, the shape of it; your eyes, the depth of it; your nose and your mouth. Every part of your face looks just like my ex girlfriend. I went on to look at your limbs. You are tanned, Grace. Just like her. And your built is just like her too.

While you were meddling with your mp3 player, I looked at your fingers. They were shorter than mine. And less slim. She used to say she liked my slim fingers. Your fingers are just like hers, Grace. And I will bet that your feet are little too. And cute. Just like hers.

You kept looking sideways, deep in whatever was playing through the earphones. You were lightly tapping your feet too. That's why I could look at you for so long without you detecting that you were being scrutinized.

Then, you rubbed your eyes. She rubbed her eyes a lot too. The way you rubbed your eyes was just like the way she used to. I kept telling her not to. 'Cos she rubbed it so hard, sometimes, I was afraid that she would just hurt her cornea. And you yawned too. The way you ended your yawn, it was not that different from Kay too.

Grace, looking at you, one tear slid down from the corner of my right eye.

How much you reminded me of her.

I thought, this must be the way it would feel if Kay and I meet each other on the streets now. Like strangers. And it pained me a lot. It's like you were her and you couldn’t recognize me at all. As for me, I was still gazing at you, wishing time could go back to who we were and not who we are.

I thought of telling you, when we alighted together at the same bus stop, that you look like her. And looking at you made me cry. But I didn't. After all, you are not her. You are Grace. Not my ex girlfriend. Not Kay.

But, that 20 minutes bus ride was like falling in love, and then, falling out again. Almost. And when we alighted at that same bus stop, you followed by me, it felt like how I braved myself and turned away on that afternoon when she said that was all to us.

Have a good dinner, Grace. Good bye, Grace.

With misplaced love,
Me.

From the marrow of unease

2007-10-01T00:35:00.000+08:00

There's a kind of getting used to that is getting easy to get used to.

The kind that switches you from a participating member at a dinner with many, possibly even the spark whom others follow for a lack of decisiveness, to a figure in pure solitude, as the foreign voices try to drown through the ears.

Goodbyes are always kept short and swift. As if there's no keenness in the reunion that just ended; as if there's no anticipation in the next reunion, wherever that might take us. Short, swift and almost without any emotions if not for the detection by the sharp-eyed who must also hate such partings.

Time always takes us by the shortest route when joys are most simple. And always brings detours when the path is most bumpy. As if she has a plan, a sort of revelation we can't object to. Yet, one experiences it again and again, and never did manage to find some appreciation for it. For how much faith one must be endowed with in order to appreciate the cruelty of it all. All the time fighting loneliness, disguising it as a healthy need for solitude.

We born alone, we die alone. And we all contend with our greatest yet sweetest downfall.

xxx

My current read is Dead Poets Society, based on the film same-titled. I thought to give it a finger's effort at writing something like poetry, too. And I texted the above on my way home from a very lovely dinner with never-expiring friends.

I guess it's not so much poetry. I never studied poetry. But, an attempt nevertheless.

Look what has time only achieved.

2007-08-14T23:20:00.000+08:00

I was walking along a familiar street even before I knew why it was familiar.

And yet, when I tried to recall what had happened on this familiar street, I couldn't remember the details.

So, I ended up feeling like stopping in the middle of the road that I was crossing. As if by doing that, I'd be brought back to the time when this stretch of road will only begin to have its place in my memory lane.

But I can't. Stop time, or go back in time. So I felt loneliness very strongly, and I felt like crying.

Is this what time does to us?

I only stopped thinking when finally, I cried on the bus. Again.

This time last year, we were struggling to keep holding on and keep walking.

This time this year, I am still struggling to keep from remembering and keep passing time.

I don't

2007-06-30T00:08:00.000+08:00

I don’t feel anything anymore. No sadness. No melancholy. No nothing. Maybe I’m just tired. And the faculty of emotions shut down before I could decide.

But I could still tell the difference between the two. One year in between. The earlier December, I sound consistent. Consistently and relatively contented and happy about life. The later December, I sound tired and I was dreaming a lot.

It all began with you and ended with you.

Impetuous. Is that me? Maybe this December would be of content and happiness if I just sat on it and didn’t ask to talk about it. Why didn’t I?

But tonight, it didn’t seem that it mattered anymore. Maybe it’s just tonight.

And I’m just tired. And I am just tired. I am going to sleep now.

You are what I'm avoiding

2007-06-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

Is 25 minutes enough time to finish writing a blog entry?

I found hot decaf hazelnut latte to be very nice too. If the iced one feels like a refreshing shower to tired minds, then somehow, the hot version feels like a nice warm shower to calm the nerves.

I'm not getting very good with metaphors.

Where would I find another someone to meet for dinner at 9pm and then, head out to a cosy and hardly populated Starbucks to just watch buses pass by on a weekday evening? Lightly dusting the time with far away dreams, distant hopes... and melancholic sighs of a regrettable past?

Time passed is all in relation to the day when faith fell through everything and became nothing. So, the days have passed in such fashion. Another day of successfully avoiding an impossible reconciliation.

How come we all don't make sense after a while?

It's so difficult, so difficult to reconcile. Where do I turn to when I am lonesome even in dreams? There is much breeze where we used to stroll. But it's getting too cold. Too sobering. Too lonely.

And this is where I stop.

25 minutes is more than enough. More than enough to make you lost in reading me.

If I have to pretend, it will not be a problem.

2007-05-25T00:19:00.000+08:00

What is it that makes one lose interest in life? And not just that. To lose the interest to find an interest in life.

What is it that makes one live a life of passing time instead of living a life?

What is it that makes one cease to feel enthusiasm about the possibilities of a future? Or even the probable existence of one.

What is it that makes the day seem so tiring and yet, the night seem so unfilfilled?

What is it that makes the heart pace so consistently and so without any surprise?

What is it that makes me write knowing that I will never get a reply?

I want to go into a deep deep and long long sleep. I want to wake up not remembering what happened. I want to start anew. But yet, I don't want to start foolish, ignorant and unrealistically optimistic.

It's not the loss that is holding me back. It's my willingness to bear the hurt, relive the pain and tire of disappointments that keep me here. There is no more of these so long as there is no hope.

Through all these, you may have learnt that hope might cost a lot. But what else is there?

There is denial. Not denial of hurt, pain or disappointment. There's denial of hope.

My silence, my world

2007-04-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

All I said was that I missed working with a class of children, sweating out under the hot sun amidst their bantering, excitement, carefree voices.

I told 4 persons that.

1 told me there was nothing to be missed cos she definitely didn't miss it, since she's still doing exactly that.
1 told me that deep down, we always long for something and yet dread it too.
1 told me I was mad and should go knock myself out.
1 told me nothing with the non-existent reply.

I just wanted to have the right to miss something. Miss a choice I gave up, or didn't make, or couldn't make.

Do not have any more expectations of me. I can't live up to them, don't want to live up to them anymore. I share none and everything with myself. Because sharing with other people always make me feel more misunderstood.

I hate being misunderstood.

Very, very deep

2007-04-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

I try to write. Not very often. But whenever I could not not write.

I try not to write. All the time. But not when I feel I could not not write.

I stopped seeking to be understood. I seek to masquerade. Even more. Even more because what's inside is getting more fragmented.

Don't try to know me. It irritates the hell out of me. Because you don't have the right to ever say you know me just because you tried. I will never give in to that. You've lost too many years. Years you can't catch up even if in more to come.

Denial. Very, very deep. State of.

The way I live life.

All choked up

2007-04-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

There are, still, times when I ask myself, if I had held it out a lil longer, and didn't ask you to think about what was happening, didn't ask you to talk to me, tell me your thoughts, would the weekends now be any different?

There are, still, times when I think about what eventually happened, actually happened, and I either let the regret and the pain roll down my cheeks or I try to shut the thoughts away by squeezing my eyes shut, and blasting music.

There are, also, times I woke up knowing that you came into my dreams. But, the dream faded away too fast before I could capture it again. And I would have this vague memory of you, and this tinge of sadness that I couldn't capture any details of the dream. And I would think of you.

Think of how much I do not know you now. Think of if indeed, we had parted on a common understanding or regrettable misunderstanding. Think of if there was any misunderstanding at all between us, would we ever get to resolve it. Think of if there was any friendship left at all between us.

They tell me it's ok not to be ok. You told me the same thing too. But, would they be able to handle me if I do not, at least, appear to be ok? What if I still feel like crying everytime I remember it's over? I never wanted to forget. I just don't want to remember.

Yet, there are, still, times when I do.

Communicating to Dream channel

2007-03-25T22:47:00.000+08:00

I couldn't accept you. I didn't want to. No, it's more like, I couldn't. So you stuck around. And I chased you out, away. I shouted for you to stop wasting your time. I shouted for you to see that I am not going to have any relationship with anyone, including you.

I can't keep up with this anymore. Thank you for the attention. But I am really more than you thought met your eyes. I'm more manipulative than you thought. More capable of putting on a fantastic show than you thought necessary. I've more issues than you can see on the outside, more delusive than all my nicknames put together. Attraction is truly, only skin deep.

You were such a nice dream to be in. But even in my dream, I had to resist.

Thank you for the attention. But I had to resist. I have no more room for the fall. I want no more room for anyone else. This is my square room. Just mine alone.

From one to the other

2007-03-18T01:32:00.000+08:00

His answer was 'a life partner, someone to do things with'. And me?

Me? I only want to have someone to go back to at the end of everyday. Someone to look forward to, who is the 'present' at the end of every dog-tired day.

And yet, I said I've given up. Gave up. You must understand it's always so much more reliable to love yourself.

No, he didn't give up. And he told me not to. But, I can't find anymore reasons to have faith. To believe. To not give up. Perhaps, even if I do find the reason, I will shut that reason down, make it unreasonable and indulge in disbelief.

You try working at something you thought and believed was worth all the time you have in this world. Someone to share life with. Someone to belong to, and someone to belong to you. And in the end, in the end, you are still by yourself. Silently cursing yourself, sometimes, that you should have known better.

So, I turn away from the self-help guides, turn away from all those beautiful talk of love and inspirations. And I look inside myself. And it's all in pieces.

She said she's not like me. She can't act as well as me.

Pieces. Pieces of me. But you would never see it from the outside.

The passing of the empty days

2007-03-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

i will take no chance. says:
sigh... well, when i was with kay, life really felt more complete. as in, no matter how tired i am, at the end of the day, just knowing there's her waiting for me to call her or she waiting to call me makes the day complete.
i will take no chance. says:
there is purpose to a whole day of work. even if it's a long day.
© says:
= )
i will take no chance. says:
now, feels empty.
i will take no chance. says:
sometimes, i dun even feel like sleeping becos it just felt like the day hasnt ended.
i will take no chance. says:
like, waiting for sthg to happen... that won't happen.
© says:
.. = )
© says:
*hugs*
i will take no chance. says:
but it ok lah...
i will take no chance. says:
not like i ve any other choice...
i will take no chance. says:
at least work's been busy but colleagues been fun.
© says:
= )
i will take no chance. says:
the feeling was really nice.
i will take no chance. says:
i reminiscence that feeling. of belonging to the scheme of life. of belonging to someone.
i will take no chance. says:
reminiscence only possible cos i've lost that feeling.
i will take no chance. says:
but nvm lor... wasn't a very real feeling to begin with. hahahah
i will take no chance. says:
losing it felt more real than having it.
i will take no chance. says:
damn.
i will take no chance. says:
haha

She didn't love me anymore

2007-02-23T21:30:00.000+08:00

All I needed was a reason to start, then I will have a lot of reasons to continue. I have waited for that reason for awhile now. And it has come, in the form of starvation. So, I started. And I continued. And now, all's calm. Calmer. A whole torrent of tears. Washed ashore. And now I'm calmer. Now, I know I'm done with this wave.

But, how come nobody was cruel enough to tell me to be lucid? How come nobody dragged that layer of buffer out under me and just threw me the truth?

Because no matter what excuses I have found for the premature death of my last relationship, the one real reason is that she doesn't love me anymore. Why didn't any one of you tell me straight in the face, 'she doesn't love you anymore and that's all'?

Because I needed to be convinced of that myself. I needed to find that out for myself. I needed to come to this truth myself. I needed to lift up all the buffer reasons and find this truth underneath.

There is no such thing as 'wanting space to grow up' or 'wanting freedom'. When she said, 'That's all there is to us', it was as good as saying 'I don't love you anymore'. I ought to have seen that.

That's all there is to every half fucked reasons I kept finding for her. That's all there ever was - She didn't love me anymore.

No, it doesn't mean she didn't love me at all. It didn't mean everything was for show, was not real. It only meant that she didn't love me already, and not any longer in the rest of this fucked existence.

I can't make anyone stay and love me for as long as I love anyone. Of course I know that. You can't make anyone love you. It's either they do or they don't. I used to feel very, very small about myself because all evidence pointed that I didn't manage to make the person I love love me back for as long and as much as I tried. I was, un-lovable, in a permanent sense.

But, I know now that all is not gone. All is not lost. Because it plays both sides. Nobody can make me love anybody. And if I do not begin to love anyone, I will never ever have to feel that I was un-lovable, in a permanent sense.

I'm back to loving myself. Just myself. Because I'm not your sacrifice anymore. Because I am not going to wait 5 months before seeing the truth anymore.

All that was well did not end well

2007-02-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

Some afternoons, when I spend lunch time alone, I feel like going to sit down along the river, and cry. And the strong breeze that's characteristic of Raffles Place will dry my tears soon enough.

I miss those walks along the other side of the river. Just after we walked out of the screening room at The Arts House. And the koi pond at Fullerton Hotel.

Maybe there is no way I can love you now. Because I'm still so in love with not just who you were, but who we were together.

Except, who we were feels very distant, very vague. I never felt that way until you said it felt unrealistic. Suddenly, every little fragment of my memory seems to be eager to prove your point - that nothing was real.

I even doubted myself about when your birthday is. While another part of me berated my uncertainity. "How could I ever forget your birthday?" But I really was not sure. The date felt vaguely familiar.

How strange. How strange that I don't seem to be sure if I knew you at all.

Just my imagination

2007-01-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

So, what do you do when someone whom you loved has an understanding of reality so different from yours that it makes everything you shared seem worse than the boring imagination of a primary 3 kid?

And what would you interpret if the only time you shouted and perhaps, even scolded someone you loved may seem, to her, like the only time that you were real?

I cried. And then, I flared up. The word that was used to describe that incident was 'outburst'. So, I guess, that must be the only time I had felt realistic. In the long uphill hike of a relationship.

You sit down to watch tv, and you thought the lines were cliche and not realistic. Only to be told that your own dance was even less so.

Nothing, no bloody thing is real in this stage. Ever-changing, never-lasting figment of all our imagination that at one time, coincided.

Such is my level of existential living at this point in time.

Riding on the edge

2007-01-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

So, the way to recognise insecurities is when you go 'oh shit... how am I going to do it?' or 'Can I do it?' or...

Actually, I have a lot of insecurities. I just am too good with all those manuals of masking all of them up.

If indifference is a kind of defense mechanism, then, I suspect, I've not stopped being defensive since 10 years ago.

I keep a diary. Since 15 years ago. If a psychologist were to read my diary, would he or she be able to tell me what went wrong in my growing up?

Maybe nothing went wrong. It's just that... I really can't figure it out now.

The eternal seeking of me

2007-01-13T18:02:00.000+08:00

I find myself at this transition platform where the debris and dust of the past 2 years seem to have settled, or are settling well and the promise and potential of the future seem to be trying in their way to get through to me.

It's like being in a state where I have nothing again. Behind me, a door half closed; in the front of me, a door just slightly ajar.

I had to reach forgiveness first before I could believe in the possibility of the future. I had to reach empathy first before I could see how to let go. I had to reach pain and confusion first before I could even attempt to see some order and clarity. I had to reach a rejection of myself first before I could bring down the barricades to reaching me.

I have to give up the expectation first before I could start a fresh page of understanding and knowledge. I have to let my dreams become more vague before I denounce seeing your face in everyone in my dream. I have to go back to being nothing and accept that as a new ground to work and start walking from. Alone.

It's like denouncing the past 5 years of knowing who I am. You are my catalyst. Not my only reason. I built up so many layers and tried to laugh at how much an irony I am. Everyone knows me in a rather universal way. But not the way I know myself, unless I told myself I was like that. I became 'queen', 'princess' and all sorts of nouns and adjectives that, at some nights, I found so misused on me. More and more, things couldn't be said, feelings couldn't be shared, thoughts couldn't be uttered because I was living in so many shadows, under so many different masks.

Some of these became real. Some, I always wanted to rid of. But didn't know how. And perhaps, I was afraid to lift. For who would I be, without so many of these masks? I didn't even know.

And now? Now, I don't too. But, I began to recount the years. The year in which I started to tell myself, quote myself words from all those self-help books, whose advice I internalised possibly a little too quickly. To appear to have no issue with self-confidence, to appear to be strong, to appear to be well-managed, to appear to be an effective communicator.

And, they are all falling apart now. And I like to see them fall apart. Just like I would like for me to be known, layer by layer off. To be just a very normal girl. Maybe boring. Maybe stupid. Maybe silly. Maybe. Maybe just trying to be me without thinking of how me is to you.

Kiss and make up

2007-01-05T09:38:00.000+08:00

I laid on my bed, and I couldn't sleep. I saw us looking at each other, looking into each other. And I saw us kiss. I saw our first kiss.

And I couldn't bear that image. I tried to shut it off. But, I ended up missing you even more.

How come we didn't just kiss and make up on that faraway September afternoon?

I hate September. I hate autumn. Autumn always reminds me of endings and dread.

The frown I've missed

2007-01-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

There were times when you would frown upon something confusing or something that sounded profound and your system was trying to figure or decode it. Or maybe, just something that you didn't quite get. And I would find that so adorable. That was what I meant when I said, often in the beginning, that you are so adorable. And seeing that kind of frown on your face made me can't help but to smile.

Do you know how uncontrollable is the desire to want to love you, to love that unassuming and simple you? All in a frown? Do you know how the prolonged smile came about? The prolonged smile you were so proud to have put on my tired, jaded spirit.

And all the rolling of my eyes... and the 'L' sign I made with my fingers. 'L' being Lame. They disappeared when the disillusions stepped in, didn't they? I'm so sorry they did.

Is it too late to retrace some steps? Just when the new year has begun...

The dead foetus

2006-12-11T23:03:00.000+08:00

Last night, I suddenly thought of how you had asked, 'what if we break up?' when I told you about the idea of co-owning a blog. A blog that was the result of how much I wanted to tell the world how much we were into each other.

You asked that question and I replied with, 'I've never thought of that.' Honestly, I never did. But, was it then that you already started knowing we would break up? Just less than two months after I started the draft for the first entry for this new blog.

thecrackedmirror dot blogspot dot com never got registered, much less published.

But, I cried to sleep again yesterday. So, I wanted to just publish all these drafts. No 'what if'. So what if we indeed broke up? These were my thoughts then. I still want to tell the world how much I was into you.

This was entitled 'Interview with C', 20 July 2006

Me: So, how long have you been a lesbian?

C: You mean, like how long have I been exclusively dating women?

Me: Er... ya.

C: Slightly over a year. Not so long eh?

Me: No, it's not. But, time can never measure the depth of love, can it?

C: No. It can't.

Me: So, erm... what was it like? I mean, have you always been inclined towards liking women?

C: Ya. I've always liked woman. I mean, my best friend's a woman, you know. And I've two sisters. You could say that I didn't have a reason not to like women. But, I've had boyfriends before. Three, to be exact. So, I liked boys too. I had many crushes on boys, and men. Didn't work out.

Me: Well, then, how did it happen? Did you suddenly decide that you are so bored with men or what? A broken heart or something?

C: Hell, no! It wasn't anything like that. Sure, my last boyfriend sort of broke my heart. But, you heal from such stuff if you allow yourself to, you know. No man can break you and leave you unmend-able. At least, not me. I am not bored with men. I still find the male species interesting and some of them are actually smarter than they look! Really, I didn't wake up one midsummer morning and decided that I'm a lesbian. It's kinda superficial of anyone to even think that could happen. Ya? But I get asked that a lot. Maybe I need to reassess my expectation of people.

Me: (nervous giggle) So, how did you decide to go into a relationship with someone of the same sex?

C: Simple. She makes me laugh and she makes me want to protect and love her. And I guess, I make her feel secure to be herself and I'm like a new telescope that she can gain insight into other worlds of perspectives with.

Me: Mm...

C: You know what I mean? Ok. Simply, we found each other to be highly suitable and reliable as a partner for ourselves. And that's important.

Me: Right. That's so important, don't you think?

C: I just said I did.

Me: Ok. Let's talk about you coming out of your closet. Was it a scary thing to do?

C: I don't think there's even any closet to being with. All my friends, the ones that I really regard, knew right from the beginning that I am going to work on a relationship with my girlfriend. My sisters know about it, my mum too. If there's a closet, I guess, it's one that's pretty transparent.

Me: Wow! That's cool! So, what was the response of people when they learnt that you are going to be a lesbian?

C: They were rather happy for me. Mostly. My mum expressed her concern and was truly reluctant to accept that idea. I think she's still in some kind of denial about it. But, you can't force anyone out of their choice to be in denial. It's just, pointless.

Me: Right. In your current relationship, do you find yourself more like the guy or the girl?

C: I find myself more like myself. I mean, it's ridiculous, you know. People don't just turn into the opposite sex when they get into a homosexual relationship. I don't suddenly adjust my crotch in public just because I'm holding a girl's hand! And I don't assume a double set of female characteristics when I find my hand being held by another woman. This is possibly one of the worst misconception people have of homosexual relationship.

Me: You mentioned earlier that you have had boyfriends before. So, would it be correct to say that you are actually a bisexual than a homosexual?

C: Honestly? I don't know. And I don't care. I think I'm sexual, and sexy. Doesn't matter to me if I'm a bi, a homo, or whatever else. Don't you think it's quite meaningless to categorise people into these neat categories of sexuality?

Me: Ok. Let's talk about how different it is, then. You know, to date men and to date women.

C: My girlfriend asks me that a lot. Honestly, I don't think there is much difference. If any, it would have to be that it feels easier to communicate and connect with a fellow woman than with a man. Personally, I find that in order to really communicate with a man, you always have to get past their ego first. And they never tell you the truth about how big their ego is in the beginning.

Me: (laughs) How about, erm, in the bedroom? It's not quite possible, right?

C: You mean sex. And sex is entirely possible. To me, sex is an act of desire based on love and trust. The same kind of ingredients that a relationship is made of. Following that logic, it's entirely possible to have sex, to have orgasms, very good orgasms, in a homosexual relationship.

Me: (blushing already) Erm. Ok. Do you get stared at when you hold hands with your girlfriend in public?

C: Do you get stared at if you wear your pyjamas out shopping? (pause) Of course, there are people who will think you are weird and they just have to express that opinion by staring at you a bit. Then, there are others who just don't give two shit about it. They probably think you are just different from the rest of them. And believe me, there are plenty others who stare because inside, they just wish they have the guts to do the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with being bold about what you believe in. I'm not a Nazi, you know. I don't expect people to believe in what I believe in. So, I refuse to be in total-conformity too.

Me: How about the future? What plans do you have for both your future? Gay marriages are not legalised here yet.

C: A shame it's not. But, I can respect that a revolt may arise if that is to be legalised here. Even though personally, I think a revolt might be just what this place needs. Erm... if you are in a relationship like mine, in this asian society, then, you truly are freed from having to think about the future. And that's how I feel. Freed. Freed from the uncertainties, the inevitable expectations of a future, the fear of having let down by someone or some things, the fear of disappointment should that future goes up like bubbles in the sky... I think it's because we know our future is differently defined from the typical, so we treasure the present more. My girl friend and I, we love by the moments, not by the anniversaries or by the milestones. That, if you ask me, is a far more meaningful existence than always planning for a future.

Me: (pause) That's profound.

C: Thank you.

Me: Oh, all right. Thank you for taking the time to do this interview. It's... insightful.

C: I hope so.

Me: So... any last words?

C: No, and thank you.

Me: (laughs) Ok. Thank you very much!

This was entitled ' It's a virtual riot here', 20 July 2006

This blog is inspired by a combination of boring afternoons re-reading magazines, intimate nights watching The L Word, unrestrained imagination of being in publicity and mostly, a desire for the unconformed to be understood.

This was entitled 'Cracked impression', 21 July 2006

The truth is that, I enjoy shocking people out of their preconceived impression of me. I enjoy being an irony personified.

My turning into a lesbian was quickly accepted by most of my friends. Kyv even said it was cool. Like, as if anything I do is ever uncool to her. Haha.

But more than a handful of them would, either at revelation point or a later point, add that I look like the last person they expect to be homo. It's really my looks. 'Too heterosexual', they said. 'The kind that should have a lot of guys courting you', they said.

Well, not exactly invalid. I did have a few guys hitting on me at one time before. But that was when I was still ignorant and quite easily flattered.

Anyway, back to personifying an irony. I love it when people around me goes into that kind of phase, not knowing what else to expect from me, and just trying to figure me out. In vain, I would prefer.

Besides, who ever made it a rule that lesbians have to be butches or have to look like they would put a guy ten miles away? Every single lesbian in The L Word is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S. So what if it's really just a show? Shows like this reflect reality, right? Even if it doesn't, I still maintain that beautiful, head-turning, model-like women can be lesbians.

That's why everything should be opened to interpretation and re-interpretation! Stereotypicals are boring and should have been thrown out of the window, as far as I'm concerned.

So, ya! I'm beautiful, intelligent, charming (to both sexes), confident and I think my latest virtue is that I'm a lesbian. I'm loving it!

This was entitled 'This is no teacup, y'know', 21 July 2006

My girlfriend is knocking off from work soon. She is coming to my house. And we haven't seen each other for 2 days! Not a big deal eh? Big enough for us to miss each other bad. Yeah? Envy me. Be jealous of us. Go on. Haha.

And I'm excited cos I'm still thinking if I should let her read what I've been spending my time online for. I think she will so enjoy it. And of course, it's only a matter of time that I would want her to start writing here too. Especially since this is really about both of us! And I think she would have more than a few thoughts about lesbian-hood in Singapore too. After all, she being the one who 'converted' me.

We'll see. Maybe this space will be christened sooner than I think. And by the both of us together! Like a baby! Our baby.

Aww... (the look of sweet-honey-sweet)

This was entitled 'You take the meat, I'd have the bones', 26 July 2006

I've let the meow out of the bag! Intentionally. So, now, K has been equally burdened to come up with a web address for our new blog! It took her quite awhile to get what I was doing.

Like...'ok? Is it a new blog?', 'So, what?', 'And what do we do?'

All became clear(er) when I showed her an extract of the interview. And she asked who asked the questions.

You simply gotta adore this clueless and unassuming characteristic of my girlfriend. Then, again, maybe she just got over the fact that I can be so schizophrenic. Like, who would conduct an interview with herself? If that's the case, maybe I shouldn't have reminded her of who she has fallen in love with - a schizo.

In any case, that's a bit too late for regrets. I mean, for her and for me.

So, we spent a lil bit of time on msn, trying to brainstorm a nice and intelligent, insightful, catchy title and address for our new blog space. I would paste the chat here the next time when I feel more in the mood to do the highlight-ctrlc-ctrlv exercise.

Then, she asked me a somewhat valid question - then, what happens to the blog if we break up?

The word is 'if'. That's why I never gave thoughts along that line of query. I mean, 'if' is such a preposterous word, isn't it? Of course, I'm not saying that my girlfriend is preposterous. What I'm saying is that, there can be so many 'if' in every decision! So, I've always had the foresight to concern myself with issues of 'so what if!' rather than 'if'. It helps to justify an action better. Right?

At least, that's how I think.

But, oh, coming back to her somewhat valid question. I guess, well, IF we do break up, then, we'd just have to think what we would do then. It's only a blog anyway. Not like... an overfed hamster.

(K had a hamster with her xgf. And when they broke up, the hamster went to the x because K didn't really dared to pick up furry stuff, like an overfed hamster. So, that begs the qusetion, why in the hell would anyone decide to rear something if she's not exactly comfortable with it? To conquer her fear? I think, it might be because of her overbearing xgf. Not to mention unreasonable and spendthrift. Bah!)

Do I sound like a jealous girlfriend? The correct answer is 'no'. Period.

This was entitled 'Coming out into a closed environment', 29 July 2006

In preparing for this blog to be officially published and launched, I find myself being pulled into the fraternity of GLBT (see! a new term that I only now know existed). It means, Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgender. I followed links from links and started to excavate the virtual families in this fraternity. There are chatrooms, webpages, organisations (that were denied registration by the garmen), counselling emails, lists of gay places to hang out... It's all quite interesting and exciting, I would say. And I've kept a few places in mind to check out when K and me are in that area.

But, my point is, I really have had no idea how this scene in Singapore can be so organised and well, in a way, extensive. And there're actually around 18,000 gays in PAP's lil red dot! So, I'm going to start believing K whenever she whispers in my ear, gesturing with her eyes, that the person walking in front of us is a gay or a les. A distinct change from my usual half-interested response 'How you know?' I guess, from now on, she could really pull off the smug 'I just know' thingy on me.

But, what struck me as strange was why do we even need to have a list of places that are les-friendly, or GLBT-friendly? Is this society so not ready to see gay couples and gay crowds hanging out in the usual places where straightees (hey, I haven't heard any term like that being used, so, until I do, it remains a original creation of MOI!) hang out? If people can condone half-witted secondary school kids hugging and fondling each other's back, butt (yes, the kind you see on MRT and pretend you don't give a shit to), then, is it that impossible for people to have a tolerance level for two men or women just holding hands in public? I don't think gay couples actually do more than that in public, anyway. We'll keep our hugging and kissing within the four walls of our bedroom.

Ok. Let me correct that. Not 'we'. 'Cos K and me, we actually do give each other a quick hug and plant little kisses on each other's cheeks in public. I'm trained by my x-bf in PDA. Irony. Haha.

I tend to agree with Meisen that it's not enough to just be left alone in a society, by a garmen that also issued your pink IC. We should expect more. Expect understanding, expect acceptance. Until we can stand among straightees, regardless of race, religion and age, and be accepted as equal citizens a la the pledge that is being recited in schools everyday, the job's ours to keep demanding.

There is no victory in inequality. And there is no equality in being silenced.

This was entitled 'Unstaged', 14 August 2006

This is when I'm feeling really sick and disgusted with a person who kept insisting that she's straight and then, a month ago, told K that she has a crush on her.

What I want to say, and actually said, is 'fuck her'.

You know, if you watched the L word, season 1, there's Bette, there's Tina and there's the third party, Candace.

And I've absolutely nothing against Candace. OK? There's nothing wrong in liking somebody at all. Christ! It's perfectly human to be attracted to someone. Ok? Besides, we all know Candace is a les and she doesn't try to hide it in some stupid denial that she's actually straight. Fuck that!

But, what I really had great distaste for was the fact that she came into Bette and Tina's relationship when Tina, obviously, needed Bette's support and assurances the most. It's like, really, the termites couldn't have chosen a better time to feast on a house undergoing massive restoration!

And, the fact that Bette just couldn't control herself (cos they see each other every day at work!!! As if that's a good excuse! Fuck!) and gave in to Candace's interest in her. And poor Bette is just, I tell you, so very screwed up. Who could have blamed her for seeking legal advice after that? I mean, a les is still a girl. And if she can't rely on her partner to protect her (and not hurt her), she's gotta learn to fight for herself and protect herself, eh? We clear on that, right?

Anyway, if you really want to know more, just go get your hands on Season 1, The L Word.

But, my point here is, I feel like Tina. Now. There's a Candace in my relationship with my Bette. And I don't like it any fucking bit. And I'm thinking what I really need now is a group of close friends like the Alice, Shane, Jenny, Dana. But, I'm really not as calm and cordial and casual about the enemy. I love to have my girlfriend to myself and I bloody intend to keep it that way. If I have the script my way, I say, let's all stare Candace into extinction.

This was entitled 'This is... IT!', 14 August 2006

We ploughed and overturned the land of witty nicks (before K said she actually preferred it to be dark, not just witty) to find a name that we will call this space of ours.

I thought something that has 'L' in it was, well, in a way, mysterious, suggestive and clever. So, I came up with stuff like 'L-chemist', 'L-luminance', 'L-blog'...

K came up with 'L-point', '3L.Love.Life.Lesbian', 'L-ternativeliving'...

And over a Mos Burger Ebi rice burger meal (no upsize, change the drink to iced milk tea, pls), we finally got THE name to call our url. (Even though there's no 'L'!)

We hope you like the non-L-ness in it and the dark side of it. Don't ask me what dark side. My girl friend said she wanted something that sounded a bit dark and she seemed to think this is the perfect name. So, I'm just assuming there IS a dark side to it. Ok?

And, my advice is... after you read this post, you should scroll down and read from the bottom. Cos it works this way - the bottom ones are the earlier posts. So, it makes better chronological sense to read bottom-up. For all the entries that were drafted before we officially launched this blog.

Makes sense so far, I hope. Ha!

Enjoy ~~~

This was entitled 'Death? Premature?' 3 September 2006

Actually, I had wanted a belt, a sash. Something to accessorise a plain mono-colour look. For my birthday.

This blog should have been launched 2 weeks ago. What is the point of trying so hard to clap when you can only offer one palm?

Dwelling lips

2006-12-11T01:06:00.000+08:00

I miss our kisses. Miss kissing you. I just suddenly remembered how it was like. To kiss you. I just remembered 'looking into your eyes, from a nose's distance'. It's still a very romantic phrase.

Whose lips are you kissing now?

Sleeping pills, anti-depressants, cough mixture, and the little yellow pills

2006-10-29T17:51:00.000+08:00

Aid me in sleep, then, in going through life.

Have you thought about what are the things that make you feel engaged in life? The things that make you feel alive?

The things that are different from those that make you live, that help you not to be too disengaged.

In response... I...

2006-10-18T21:49:00.000+08:00

know. I know how loud silence can be. I know how weary life can be. I know how lonely solitude is. I know how disillusioning maturity can be.

Above all, I know that you want to learn to be on your own. I know you are trying and I believe you are doing a great job.

But, do you understand that, having already known amplifying silence, all-consuming void, weary life, lonely solitude and disillusioning reality before you, I just want to lay somewhere with someone I love, watch the world go by, wave at the wind, catch the falling flowers with open palms. I just want to lay there with you.

You didn't have to get used to all these at all. You didn't have to. A lot of people grow up, grow old and die not being used to all these. And if you want the truth, my heart still pains, knowing you are trying to get yourself to get used to these.

Being independent is knowing that you are capable of being on your own. It doesn't mean that you always have to be on your own.

Did I give out the wrong signals again? Meanwhile, the jade is turning greener and greener.

That's a starry night just above us.

2006-10-18T21:29:00.000+08:00

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Burial reason.

2006-10-12T17:44:00.000+08:00

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

I dun wanna be strong

2006-10-04T15:33:00.000+08:00

"Strong"

My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me Dad
I've started to dress a bit like him

Early morning when I wake up
I look like Kiss but without the make up
And that's a good line to take it to
The bridge

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies
Of easy lays
The pause button's broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don't need to know

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

If I did it all again I'd be a nun
The rain was never cold when I was young
I'm still young we're still young
Life's too short to be afraid
Step inside the sun

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

2006-10-02T15:49:00.000+08:00

"Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me?
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

She spent the last hour

2006-09-27T15:55:00.000+08:00

crying on her bed.

It's becoming easy to cry, cry really hard. Just as easy to hold back, hold the tears back.

It's becoming easy to swing from one brave and resilient front to one confused, pained and tired soul.

She's trying hard, so hard to let go of what could not function anymore and yet, she won't give up.

She tried total denial, but she finds herself always, always back to confusion.

She listens to the songs. She cries. She sleeps with a little green windmill. The windmill spins beside her, held in her hand, through the night.

There's an empty space everywhere she turns. The emptiness is from within.

Faith-less. She's just tired. She's just so tired. And she just spent the last hour, crying.

Even if there's no one crying along with her. She's just so alone.

I always believed in you too.

2006-09-27T15:48:00.000+08:00

"Home"

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Babe I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
'Cause I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Untitled

2006-09-19T18:41:00.000+08:00

"I'll Stand By You"

[Originally performed by The Pretenders]

Oh, Why You Look So Sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

But I still cried

2006-09-18T15:50:00.000+08:00

Maybe I ought to be ashamed of myself. Maybe I ought to feel disappointment towards myself.

But I still let my vision blur. Because I can't deny what I've been feeling. I shuttle between reality and memory. And everytime I find myself landing in either side, it still scares me a little. And I have to try to pull the reins, step on the brakes because I feel a tear somewhere deep inside. And I blink and I blink. And I take deep breaths. And after awhile, they won't be wet anymore. And I check where I am. And I take another step towards life, not knowing where I'm heading next.

Whispers from the past

2006-09-12T21:49:00.000+08:00

It's the thought that there's no one to come back to. Except myself and my bed, and my fabulous four. Except my parents.

It's a lonely kind of feeling. Especially after work, after tuition. It's a lonely kind of feeling that I must get used to, once again.

That's it lor!

2006-09-11T21:38:00.000+08:00

One last closure. One last shower, in which I didn't care if my blurred line of vision was due to the water or due to the tears. And before I stepped out, I counted to three and stopped. Stop for good.

Allow for some heartache, allow for some pain, allow for some time for the dust to settle, the memories archived. But no more allowance for tears. No more allowance for dwelling in the past.

Thank you for the closure.

No need for promises, can't promise too.

Just... look at life in the eyes, stare at it hard. I, still, won. And I'm waiting for the next thing to come. Surprise me.

Closer

2006-09-09T17:42:00.000+08:00

I was 2mm close to calling you, pretending I just wanted to talk to a friend. Pretending I'm just a friend.

Not so fast. Not so fast. I'm still having mixed feelings about looking at what we shared captured on film. You kissed me, in her house. Just a week ago. I kissed you, in the room, just 2 days ago.

How to switch to just being friends when I'm still trying to forget we were more than that, we had more than that?

Not so fast. Not so fast.

Read, but from a distance.

2006-09-08T18:05:00.000+08:00

Because, this is my space. This is my hidden space. Writing always makes me feel better. It's my way of coming to terms with things, my approach to letting the dust settle.

It's schizo, again. But, how to manage emotions and rationality together so well without losing sight of who you are? Keep to one side to let the other side heal. There's some healing to be done.

No matter what they say, no matter what I feel, this, still, won't kill me.

xxx

Just got back from tuition. Drained. I know I raised my voice at her. I was really pissed and angry. I tried to keep it down, really. But, I just couldn't believe what she said she didn't understand.

And I felt demoralised, defeated. A total waste of time. I resisted calling you to whine. Even though I wanted to hear a familiar, assuring, encouraging voice. But, you know, the lyrics said, it's when you get used to loneliness, then, you'll find freedom from the pain.

Purest of love, purest of pain. There's no any other way to go about it, is there?

The next act

2006-09-08T17:57:00.000+08:00

I have lost my voice in another sphere. Because I don't want to speak of the unnecessary to the unnecessary. Because too many eyes are looking, too many opinions are forming. Here, it's safer. Here, it makes less sense, doesn't have to make much sense. Here, we do rehearsals. Actors and actresses on standby, the world is their stage.

Immortal gifts.

2006-09-07T17:13:00.000+08:00

I loved the cake. The passionfruit meringue. It's delicious. It's more than enough for my birthday. And the funny spatter of cocoa powder on clean, white sheets. And the last dance. The last dance, not at le baroque. But, the one in my house, in my room. The one you sang and danced with me. The last time you stroked my hair. The last can of green tea that we shared. Our last hug. They were all for my birthday. Yes, they were. They were lovely.

Monday will just be a very normal day. Because I don't want to remember how much I've lost as I make it through another birthday. No need for a card. Not this year. Maybe you can give me a card next year, maybe when we can be friends. Like we once were.

The influx begins here.

2006-09-07T16:57:00.000+08:00

But yet, a part of me, the part that is not in denial. The part that refuses to be in denial doesn't want to let go. That part that said if we held on together, if we have a bit more faith in what we have, the relationship we have, we could work it out together.

Why did you tell me that was all when you were not even sure if we could work things out? Why did I allow you to go? Why did I even try to be forgiving and brave? Why did I try so hard to smile? Why did I so quickly throw myself into this denial state?

Why pack the stuff that I have to return to you so soon? Why can't I believe that it's just a bad day, that if I gave you a few more days to think about it, you would come back to me?

Why didn't you ask if we could be friends? Why do this to me?

Why do I keep having to come to terms with hurt?

And the camel and the child went on their own way...

2006-09-07T16:49:00.000+08:00

I smiled. Because I kept telling myself this is not you. It's another person who you have changed into. It's another person that has stopped loving me, maybe never loved me. And you are just gone, lost. Lost to me, when I don't even know when.

No need to be sorry. Sorry has no meaning when you don't feel for the person who still loves you.

I tried so hard. Too hard, maybe. But, in the end, it doesn't even matter. In the end, we still don't have each other. In the end, Chiang Mai would only be visited by me alone. In the end, we never sat on a plane, taking off together to a place, somewhere only we know. In the end, the crackedmirror has indeed cracked and would never be mended. Noone will even know of its existence.

Somewhere only we know. Where is that? Why do I not find you there? Only me, and my memories of us, and what we could have been.

Thank you. I love you. I'll work towards the past tense.

Withdrawals of the imagination

2006-09-01T01:36:00.000+08:00

When kodomo found herself out in the sea, alone, naturally, she was frightened. She needed to survive. That much, she knew.

When the camel went in search of someone who will ride on her and tell her stories never been told, she was hopeful. She knew she was ready to support another, only condition being, another must be worthy.

When kodomo saw the life buoy within her reach, she stretched out her little hands to grab hold of it. It was her only grip to survival.

When the camel saw the child and saw how she marvelled at the beauty of the desert instead of frown upon the harshness of the elements, the camel's heart was already given.

Kodomo drifted with the buoy. The buoy kept her safe. Occasionally, she still gets pulled under. For even the buoy itself can't fight the current. But, she always emerged out of the ferocious water. Time gone, tides past, she found great assurance in the fierce and sturdy way that the buoy will keep her safe.

The camel trodded on in the harsh desert with the child between her humps. Great company they were for each other. For the camel came to love the child, even if sometimes her weight makes her weary. The child continued marvelling at the simplest of things that they saw on their way.

Time gone, tides past. Floating, kodomo began to see signs of vessels. Beautiful, huge, breath-taking vessels. Some beckoned to her. Kodomo has got to respond to the beckon. Even if she felt safe within the buoy.

Time gone, dunes recreated. Trodding on, the camel and the child passed oasis after oasis. Sometimes, the child got tired and fell asleep. Sometimes, the camel took a rest too.

The buoy, being so devoted to keeping kodomo safe, has only hopes that kodomo will come back for her. She sees kodomo on the deck of the majesty vessel, a world that the buoy herself grew detached to. And she has only hopes that kodomo will come back for her.

The camel and the child have not reached the end. For in this vastness of sand, and few oasis, the camel has not known any end. As long as the child is with her, the bond unbreaking, the camel trods on.

Gawd, save my many souls.

2006-09-01T01:26:00.000+08:00

I want to be different. I want to hide under the multi-faceted skins of all that I was, and could be. The mechanism is really simple. It's not withdrawal, not denial, just camouflage. Defence, by camouflage.

It's the only way I know. The only way I'm good at.

There is a place I want to go.

2006-08-14T00:19:00.000+08:00

It's called Utopia.

Where feelings of insecurity doesn't overwhelm you
where things are simple and easy
Where you don't have to try so hard to laugh about the shit that happens in life
where the sense of humor never dries
Where there is no need for self-esteem because there is no competition
where things happen, always, just the way you tried so hard to make it
Where negative always loses to positive
where light always will reign over darkness
Where people don't carry emotional baggage with them
where the there is no distinction between past, present and future
Where the only thing that matters is really the moments
where the moments stay in the mind long, long after it has passed
Where people can trust feelings because they do not forget to keep them fresh
Where people give each other what they would have given themselves
where honesty and respect can be taken for granted
Where it make sense to make plans because plans don't get discarded
where believing in something is all it takes to make it happen
Where I love you and the whole wide fucking world knows it and would celebrate our love instead of posing a threat to it.

Utopia is not dead. It never existed.

For the love of us.

2006-06-04T22:38:00.000+08:00

It's been a journey of much. Not so much that the freshness is depleting in supply. In fact, there has never been a price you can pay for that.

Much laughter, much smiles, much thoughts, much support, much amazement, much sweetness, much passion, much intimacy, much knowing smiles, much cheeky wink, and much much of much.

There were, too, many little rows, many downturned mouths, many disappointed pouts, many drops of frustrated tears. And perhaps, a few threats. Oh, and a few blackmails. Don't all relationships have that?

But, it feels like time has no relevance this time. Simply because time didn't have the chance to witness a start. And, as I like to believe, that makes no end possible. There can't be an end if there wasn't a start. And time, time just let us be.

So, it's probably been a year. But it could have been 1 month, 1 week or 1 day. It could well be years too. I can't measure this journey with time this time. I, however, measure it in much and few.

Much happiness, few madness. Much upturned mouths, few downturned mouths. Much loving smses, few angry smses. Much growth, few regressions.

You know what that makes? Nett happiness.

I know we are the envy of many couples we know. Don't ask me why. I just know.

A galaxy of balloons

2006-02-10T00:06:00.000+08:00

I have that kind of feeling. As I read what you wrote. That kind of feeling that is perhaps like how a kind little girl would feel when she lets go of the lovely balloon she was holding into the sky. She felt like she has set the balloon free, gave it back its freedom, but yet the kind of pain at letting it go, knowing that she can never follow where it was heading for. It's a painful feeling, to wish and grant it freedom from the strings that has kept it stranded in this ridiculous bubble and at the same time, know that it's somewhere you cannot follow no matter how much you would wish.

Somehow, what you wrote didn't seem to involve me. Somehow, sometimes, I still feel that there is a part of your life that I have unwittingly and involuntarily chose to exit from, due to the decision to leave.

When you mentioned the clouds in the sky, even with Arnott's, what came to my mind was just you and yes, other clouds. Other clouds who are going through the same as you, who yearn for the same thing as you do at this point in time. And not me. Because I don't have a shared experience with you in this anymore. What I earlier termed 'no more commonality'.

So, when I read what you wrote, it just made me very upset. Because, somehow, I felt like how that little girl might feel. That, I know it would make you happier, but it's still somewhere that I can't follow, and where I would be a misfit. In the end, it just felt like... you are going to leave me. And just because I chose to leave first.

In the end, I can still blame no one.

Victim of their circumstances

2006-01-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

She comes in alone. She looks for a seat alone. It's not difficult since she's alone. She orders something alone. The food comes. She eats alone. She orders a drink. She drinks alone. Totally no problem. She doesn't like to impose on anyone's meal time. Sometimes, not even when she's invited. So, rest your heart.

Someone puts you out of the mood and then, you put someone out of his or her mood. And, in the end, everyone doesn't have mood and so we all go home and sleep. The bed is always a very good refuge.

I shut all exits.

2005-11-01T17:51:00.000+08:00

Because I felt helpless, I felt like putting the phone down.

I felt like putting the phone down so that I can pretend I've nothing to do with this.

Because I know you matter to me, I cannot allow myself to pretend and lie through my teeth or just resist by being silent.

I felt like being quiet because I didn't know what to say, what to do that might help.

Because I do not want you to feel alone in this, I held on to the phone for you said you didn't want to be alone.

But, I was close. I was close to just staying quiet and starting on all the 'it's ok' (when it's not) and eventually, telling you that I need to go and that you message me when you feel all right.

Because, that's what I would have done, relationships ago.

But, I didn't. I held on to the phone and talked to you. I don't know if it made you feel worse. But, I tried to give you suggestions, alternatives, choices. I hoped it helped.

I didn't just hide away, escape from something I know I possibly can't handle, and hung up the phone. For that, I'm proud of myself.

Because, in the face of helplessness, we tend to escape into ourselves instead of staying put.

That and more that.

2005-10-02T22:07:00.000+08:00

So, it's her fear. I failed to predict that.

It's our love that resulted in her fear. I failed to see that.

It was silly to harbour that train of thought. Still, she failed to see that.

I know now what there is left to do. I will see to that.

The jade in me

2005-06-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

I do not think it makes a lot of sense to be jealous of anyone. Yet, I am. I do not think it makes a lot of sense to be jealous of someone who is just the same as the one I seem to be so fond of. Yet I am. I don't even think I'm jealous of them. I think I'm jealous of what they have. What they have that I don't anymore.

So, when can I get back some of those wide-eyed fascination and marvel at this world? This world that has already made me jaded. A bit, just a bit of that ignorance of others' existence, disassociation with failure and the looks and expectations of others. Give me a bit, just a bit.

If I can look at this world with your lens, I could be more carefree than I am now. Yet, I can't recall my cares. Have I none or have I chosen to forget about them?

This is such a jaded world. With such a jaded me.

Dearth of feelings

2005-06-13T00:48:00.000+08:00

So, either way, it's the same. How would I know? No one told me.

If there is still time

2005-05-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

Discard... the strings that hold your limbs, the images that frame your thoughts, the lies that hold you in confusion, the plans that hold you captive, the expectations that make you lose the shine within you.

Forget... what was in the past, what they said about what you should be, what you said you should be, the words that no longer matter.

In case... you should be unsure, you still have my hand to hold as those fools rush in.

In case... I should be unsure, tell me life hasn't much time left.

If it's not plain enough to see...

2005-04-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

Slowly, you woke me up. I open my eyes to see you. I think, I could fall in love with you. I smiled.

You could be the kind of love I always thought was meant for me, for my personality, for my need for freedom, space and my need to feel important. Because even when I miss you, somehow, I know I don't miss you that much. And somehow, I know you don't too.

Can never tell when it will end. I do my best with this time.

Outlast, but lose anyway.

2005-03-03T22:39:00.000+08:00

Outwit is not important. Outlast is.

Outlast, but lose anyway.

Sometimes, all we think we need is a person to waste some of our time. Usually, this thought will go off after awhile.

He who lasts last is just the slower

2005-02-20T03:44:00.000+08:00

I think it's such a long game. It used to be playing if there's nothing to lose. But, maybe I should play only when there's something to gain.

Whatever it is, the game is in play. It's silly, isn't it? And boy, what a waste of time!

How long are we going to keep up at it?

The game doesn't have to end for one of us to pull out of it. We shall see who lasts last.